The ability to receive and grow from criticism is one of those characteristics that separates people; between those on a path of lifelong development from those on a path of atrophy and implosion. In the past week I have experienced both types of people. When people encounter me I pray, by God’s grace, they experience the former.
This is a story of the healing power of a supportive community. About how the Creator works through the care and compassion of family, neighbors and friends.
So this past week my wife, Jane, was diagnosed with both the flu (influenza b) and pneumonia. She was very sick. I had not seen her this ill in our 27 years of marriage. Her body was failing fast. Our family physician prescribed medications but in the initial 24 hour period after seeing him she got worse. I was worried. This is when we began to experience the unseen hand of God through the care of compassion of family and friends.
Family. First, on Saturday, the day after seeing our family doctor, my sister-in-law, Gail, called. She had pneumonia a few years ago and was really worried about Jane. Because she had experienced pneumonia, Gail was able to tell Jane’s symptoms were reaching a critical place and she encouraged me to call for more help. I did and we wound up in our local emergency department (E.D.).
Neighbors. Because we live in a wonderful small town, the first person we see in the E.D. is our neighbor who is a nurse there. She settled us in and was able to get Jane set up with some ice and a warm blanket. The second person we encountered was the nurse who provided the rest of Jane’s care. Wouldn’t you know, she too is a friend. She volunteers at the local domestic violence shelter that is part the organization I work for. She set Jane up with fluids, blood work, and other medications as directed by the physician. I am sure we would have gotten great care by anyone at our local hospital; however, as God would have it, it was provided by two people who knew us, and because of that, were able to make things all the more comfortable. After a couple hours of good treatment at the E.D. Jane was stabilized and we were able to go home.
Friends. Because of my concern about Jane I had sent out an email asking for prayer to our small group from the church we attend. I also told our neighbors from across the street, Tom and Patty, who have become dear friends of ours. Patty leads a Bible study that Jane is a part of. Within a few minutes of us returning home from the E.D. Tom brought over a hot meal for Jane and I to share. Within an hour of being home Jane’s Bible study group sent her a text saying the members where bringing us dinner every night this past week and outlined who would be bringing it. Our small group sent texts, calls, food and a novel for Jane to read while she was stuck on the couch. A coworker of Jane’s dropped off a meal. Our niece dropped off soup. Our daughter stopped by with cake and flowers. The entire eight days Jane was down we felt a daily portion of love, mercy, and grace from the Creator through people. We felt it not only from the gifts that met our physical needs but also from the prayers and words of encouragement that filled us spiritually.
Its been a week. Jane is on the road to recovery. I have gotten to experience first hand the power of community. I read so often about how God works through people; about how love is the most powerful force in the universe. This past week I lived it. Because I have felt what a difference it can make, I am compelled to pass it along.
Today I had an opportunity to reflect on the blessing of having co-workers who have my back. Thank you Lord.
My wife made this for my office. I wanted this message to be the first thing people see when they walk in. Its from Mitch Albom’s book Tuesday’s with Morrie. The author is paraphrasing Morrie’s favorite poet W.H. Auden in his poem September 1, 1939.
Negative emotions, whether they be jealousy, resentment, envy, greed, or unhealthy pride tear agencies and businesses apart. So often as an agency director, whether it be at my organization or another, I have seen destructive emotions lead to divisions between individuals and teams . These dark feelings, when harbored, stifle the ability of an organization to accomplish its mission. Conflicts and disagreements are necessary and healthy. They are often the fuel for the energy that leads to healthy change. But in the end, it is things like truth, forgiveness, humility, and kindness that create the organizational climate and culture for staying power and growth in an organization.
During the school year, on the first and third Wednesdays, from 5:30 PM to 7:00 PM , after I get off work, I help serve meals at a local church. The food is great; things like homemade soup, spaghetti, baked potatoes with toppings, tacos, lasagna, and other wonderful dishes. They are served with a side, dessert, and drink. The cost is $3 for an individual and $12 for a family of four or more. The people who prepare the meals, serve the meals, bus the tables, wash the dishes, and clean up afterward are the best people I know. There are seven or so of them. They come from all walks of life. A teacher, a local election board employee, a medical office manager, a steel worker, a director of nursing, a retired factory worker, and an accounting clerk. They serve food, handout drinks, and visit with the guests, There is a table of 80-90 year old widows, single mom’s thankful they don’t have to cook that night, grandparents helping to raise grand-kids, retired couples, families of all shapes and sizes. The atmosphere of the meal is like oxygen. People are smiling, laughing, and encouraging one another. The people serving work together like a well oiled machine.
No matter how tired, grouchy, or worried I am when I get there, I feel better by 7:00 PM. It’s kind of counter-intuitive but after the 90 -120 minutes of work I am happy and my soul feels full. I have read that the evidence that God is in the midst of something is that is characterized by this: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These are the words I would use to describe the meal and those I work with to put it on. I am thankful I get to be part of it.
My wife and I are just coming off spending MLK weekend with 100 teenagers at an outdoor camp in rural Richland County Ohio. The area is surrounded by state park forests and private farm land. The youth pastor of our church asked us to help out with the youth group’s annual winter event known as “Snow Retreat”. Jane and I have always loved working with teenagers. I guess it makes us feel young. As the weekend wore on I started to notice a few realities about the teens there that run may contrary to what we often think about today’s youth.
I spend a lot of time at work thinking about problems. Problems from funding changes, to regulatory changes, to juggling the budget, to trying to hire good staff in the midst of a statewide workforce shortage, to making sure our agency is on the forefront of meeting the housing, trauma recovery, and mental health needs of our community. There are many times it feels overwhelming. Today though, on Thanksgiving, I want to take the time to share the specific blessings I experienced this year.
So many blessings. So many answers to prayer.
Personally I’m blessed with an amazing wife and soulmate. I have three amazing daughters. I’m blessed with friends, a great church and opportunities to use the gifts God has given me.
May all if you have a peaceful Thanksgiving. Let’s also try to count our blessings a lot more often.
On Saturday my wife and I were Christmas shopping at a local mall. We wandered into a fancy kitchen store to get ideas for gifts for our family. We got to the section of the store where they displayed coffee makers. As I am staring at the 22 rows of various machines all designed to do one thing, mix coffee grounds and water together, I have an incredible flashback to the simple ceramic coffee percolator my aunt used to make her coffee in. I compared her simple electric appliance to the pour-over, french press, computerized, grinding, steaming, and cold brewing options of today. I looked at my wife and asked “What in the world has happened to coffee?”
I have been a coffee drinker my whole life. It is a comfort food for me. I remember coming home from high school and drinking coffee and eating homemade cookies with my mom. I remember mom perking a full pot for my dad before he went off to work the midnight shift at a local hospital. Growing up, the coffee was brewed in a stove top percolator. I can remember watching every night as the water bubbling up into the glass top turned from clear to dark brown meaning the java was ready to be served. Later my parents switched to a Mr. Coffee drip machine. Still, sometimes, my dad would simply boil the grounds in water in a pot on the stove when he didn’t want to mess with the coffee maker. They usually bought the brand that was on sale. It didn’t really matter whether it was Folgers, or Maxwell House, Hills Brothers, or A&P. Nowadays I don’t buy the large container my parents used to get. I go for a little higher end beans in the 12 oz bags. My coffee sensitivity has been honed.
My love for coffee has been transferred to my three daughters. Each one of them is a serious consumer of the magical beverage. My oldest has a special coffee nook in her apartment. My middle daughter works at a specialty coffee shop and is learning to roast beans. My youngest has two or three cups every morning. It seems to becoming one of the tides that bind.
All of that being said, after 40 years of drinking coffee every day, I have to ask: what has happened to coffee? It used to be simple, black or with cream and/or sugar. Now it comes in endless flavors, with soy milk, with steamed milk, as a latte, as a frappe, or any number of other choices. I need a dictionary to order a drink at most coffee shops. My daughter who roasts coffee wants a certain kind of coffee maker for Christmas. It took her a half hour to explain the way it mixes coffee grounds and water is superior to the way my coffee pot does. I’m not convinced.
Tomorrow morning I’ll have my simple black coffee as I get ready for the day. The same drink I have had for the last 40 years. I know my three daughters will be having a black coffee too. Theirs may come out of a fancy machine or a trendy pour-over gadget. In the end I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s that enchanting drink that has been shared in my family for generations. I may not understand how complicated it has become but I do appreciate it as a beverage that has created fond memories and a connection between generations past and future.
My aunt’s electric percolator *
My parents’ stove top percolator *
*examples
It is likely to happen to to all of us at least once. One of the things that has given us a sense of security in life goes away. It may by the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, the loss of our home, the loss of our health or the loss of an election. When it happens we are filled with emotions that range from disbelief, to fear, to anger, to despair. I have seen it happen to many people over the years. One of the most frequent places I saw it was when I worked at a psychiatric hospital that had a program for older adults. Men and women who came there were seeking help for depression, anxiety, psychotic disorders or suicidal thinking.
As time went on I started to see a pattern in the people we worked with. They were all in their 70s and 80s. They all had similar patterns of loss. It may have began with retirement from a job that had given them a sense of purpose, followed by health issues that prevented them from being as active as they once were, followed by giving up their home for a smaller living space, followed by the death of friends who were also aging, and then often the the final straw, giving up their driver’s license.
What was interesting about this process was this: though many of the older adults had similar losses and came into the program with similar despondency, some of them got better while others continued to struggle. As I spent time with the individuals in the program I noticed that those who got better had developed resources that were more deep and enduring than their losses. They had well to draw from that ran deeper than their circumstances. Resources that were stronger than their losses. The sources of strength centered around three themes.
The first resource was emotionally intimate relationships. Even though the death of a spouse was common theme, the older adults who got better had grown roots in other relationships. Their soul mate was gone but they had children, grand children, siblings and friends who buoyed them in the loss. People they could cry with, vent to, and be themselves with. Though they felt the loss of their spouse or loved one, they knew they were not alone in their pain.
The second resource was meaningful activity. Some of the folks had hobbies such as building simple furniture to give to those in need, others volunteered at Head Start and cradled preschoolers who were having a rough day, some were in service clubs, others made candy and gave it away, some gardened or even had a part time job. What made the activity a resource for healing was that it involved generosity. Whatever the activity was, it gave them a sense of putting something good back into the world.
The final resource was a strong spiritual practice. This often included prayer, reading sacred texts, and participating in religious services with like minded believers. What this resource gave those who got better was a place to go with all of the questions that had no answer and with a way to make sense of a very difficult and sometimes complicated life. It was this resource that allowed the older adults to experience a sense that though their world felt like it was falling apart, there was a greater power at work that could and would hold them together.
The lessons I learned a few years ago from some 70 and 80 year old sojourners was that three things made a difference. Relationships, activities that provide a sense of purpose, and a practicing faith in God. I encourage us all to invest in these resources. That way when difficult times rock our world, we will have the strength we need to cope.
It’s Not Your Job To Fix Broken Men
“It’s not your job to fix broken men.” I wrote down this quote after watching Private Violence (http://www.privateviolence.com), an HBO Documentary about the disturbing reality of partner violence against women. I want my three daughters to know it’s not their job to fix broken men. I want my daughter’s friends to know this. I want the young girls, the moms, and the grandmas who come to the mental health center and domestic violence shelter I work for to know this.
As much as I want the women and girls I know to run away from “broken men”, it is not right or fair to place the responsibility to avoid one sided, exploitive,and abusive relationships on the ladies. It belongs squarely on the men.
Though there are many emotionally healthy and mature men in our culture, I am concerned with the number of guys, young and old, who are emotionally underdeveloped. In relationships this turns into behavior that is self centered in its mildest form and violently abusive at its extreme. Over the years in my work in the mental health and abuse recovery field, I have accumulated a list of behaviors that I regularly see in men who are emotionally immature and who are exploitive/abusive partners. I propose this list as a survey to guys. In this list I am outlining the behaviors I see that are strong indicators that a man is not ready for an emotionally or physically intimate relationship but rather should focus his attention on “growing up” emotionally. The growing up process may take the form of seeing a professional counselor, a spiritual mentor or an accountability group. Here is the list:
These 10 descriptions are not a comprehensive list. There are many other ways abusive and exploitative relationships manifest themselves. If you find yourself with partner who demonstrates these behaviors, please, seek out support. Find the resources you need to move out of the situation. If you are the one with these behaviors then be honest with yourself, step away, seek help, and do the work necessary to develop into a mature, healthy, and supportive partner.