There are many reasons I am proud of my daughters but one of the biggest reasons is how seriously they take friendship. They are tenacious friends. A few weeks ago, Mary, a dear friend of my two oldest daughters lost her mother to a rare and fatal illness. The time between diagnosis and death was short, only a few weeks. This death came on the heels of Mary’s husband Jay losing his father to a short brutal battle with cancer. Two deaths in a matter of three months. These two deaths were devastating to the family. But like so many things in life, that tragedy was an opportunity to observe love and kindness at its best. Melisa, my oldest daughter who is especially close to Mary, announced that she had completely cleared her schedule so she could stay with Mary for the entire time of her mom’s calling hours and funeral. She made it clear she was going to be there for Mary for whatever she needed. Abby, my second oldest daughter, lives four hours away and just started a new job. She advocated with her boss and was able to get a day off to be home to support her friend. As I watched Melisa and Abby support Mary during her darkest hour I found myself admiring them and their capacity to unselfishly care for someone else.
I believe that teaching your son or daughter to be a good friend is possibly the most essential strength you can give them. Within that strength are several skills that will help them in most other life circumstances they will find themselves in. Being a friend means having a set of attitudes and behaviors that enable you to develop authentic and trusting relationships with others. It means being able to set your own needs aside to help another. It means having the capacity to be vulnerable and share emotions. Friendship requires the selfless skill of listening. It includes the capacity to think about what someone else is going through and what they may require to get through it. It means being able to suspend your needs for comfort and be a comfort to someone else. It means keeping someone in confidence rather gossiping. It means having someone else’s back. All of these not only make you good at being a friend, but also a good employee, a good parent, and a good citizen.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was, “If you want a friend then be a friend.” Research studies into longevity and happiness repeatedly find that having good friends correlates to a happier and longer life *. In an era where adults and children are more and more lonely **, more and more anxious, more and more connected to an imaginary world known as social media, and less likely to say they have a close companion, it is absolutely essential that parents teach their children how to be a good friend. This of course means that you parent, know how to be a good friend as well. You must model friendship skills to your children. Use the many opportunities in daily life to model friendship and include your children. Take a meal to an elderly person. Go see people you know who are in the hospital. Send notes of encouragement to people who are going through a rough time and have your children draw pictures to include in the envelope. As a family start a list of people you are going to pray for and pray for them with your kids. Invite people you know over for dinner and a game night. Use these activities to help your children hone the skill set they need to be aware of others needs and to be in healthy and appropriate friendships. If you do this you will not only give your children skills that will serve them well as adults, but you will you also most likely make the world a better place.
