Is the person in your team who’s always complaining, right?

Life, Organizational Culture, Topics in Leadership

We tend to ignore or write off the complainers…but, what if they are right?

I am sure if I asked you to identify people in your office who are the “complainers,” you are going to think of somebody. You will think of that person who always brings up what is wrong. They are the one who, in a meeting, when all is well, has to bring everyone else down. When the complainer speaks, the rest of us are thinking, “it’s just their problem,” or “it’s not that big of a deal,” or, “they are making a mountain out of a molehill.” I have worked with chronic complainers. They see the glass as half empty. They always see what is wrong, even if it seems like a small issue. If someone is labeled as a chronic complainer, because they seem quick to point out  what is wrong, they can get written off. Their perceived negative persona may lead them to not be well-liked in the organization.

But, what if the complainers are the canaries in the coal mine? What if they are pointing out the problems we ignore, don’t want to see, don’t want to acknowledge or don’t want to deal with? Complainers are often the people that won’t let go of a problem that exists and that really needs to be taken care of. Often it’s a problem that an organization has passively chosen to ignore. A subtle organizational agreement may be, “things are going good enough, and the bottom line is not hurt, why rock the boat?” There are reasons* organizations accept or ignore problems. Organizational members may ignore problems because we want to avoid taking on something unpleasant or to avoid a conflict. Maybe team members have seen their peers have a bad experience with management when someone has tried to deal with a problem. It’s possible that what lies under the problem is a mess and we don’t want to open a can of worms.

Here are some considerations related to the complainers we work that may help us see them in a less negative and more helpful way:
1. Complainers identify problems that others have passively accepted.  If a problem isn’t affecting everyone and its consequences aren’t seen by everyone, the organization as a whole may accept the problem rather than deal with it. Problems that are undealt with can eventually lead to major issues that hurt everyone. The next time the “complainer” won’t let an issue go, ask your team if the agency has accepted a problem that could lead to much bigger issues down the road.
2. Complainers may identify a problem we don’t want to talk about. Sometimes problems are challenging to discuss because they involve people who we don’t want to confront or processes that are sensitive.  As long as the problem isn’t out of hand it’s easier to leave it unspoken. Is your organization ignoring a problem because the people involved make it hard to confront?
3.Complainers are the organization’s warning system. As we’ve said, some problems start small, but if left unattended, have big consequences. Consider valuing the person labeled as a complainer and see them as pointing out problems early, when they are manageable and small.
4. Complainers should be engaged. If you have a staff member who is focused on identifying what is wrong, engage them in conversation. Ask them questions about what they see and what it means in their mind. You may begin to see them as insightful rather than as an antagonist. I have learned a lot from taking the time to listen to people who are chronic complainers, because they often have an understanding of issues that are not as well understood by others. Try to understand how they view the problem. Complainers often have a unique perspective on circumstances and problems that is worth understanding. The complaining person’s perspective can give a leader a much broader understanding of the system than if they are left unengaged or ignored.
5.Complainers may eventually become whistle blowers. If a person who’s chronically complaining is left ignored long enough, their frustration may grow to the point of them reaching out to regulatory authorities to correct the problem. A simple conversation with them could have saved the situation.
6. They challenge groupthink. Irving Janis, in 1972, defined groupthink as “a mode of thinking that occurs when a group’s desire for unanimity overrides realistic appraisal of alternatives.” Often the person perceived as a complainer is really just challenging the organization’s groupthink, which can keep it from looking at problems or dealing with problems.
7.Let them know they are appreciated for being vigilant. One way to turn a complainer into an ally is by letting them know how much they are appreciated. The more you engage them and get to know how they view an issue, the more you may appreciate them. A regular conversation with people who tend to be negative can go a long way in making them part of the team.
8. They want to be heard. Often, people who are complaining have the best interest of the organization in mind. From their perspective, they see a problem that is not being resolved and by listening to them we may be really helping save a big consequence in the long run.
9. Found out their vision of a solution. What do they want to see happen? I find asking a person who’s a complainer what they would like to see happen is a really good way to gain their allegiance. Often, it’s not that they really want something done. They just want others to know that the problem exists and that people are aware.
10. They may be protecting your blind spot. I have blind spots as does every leader.  Groupthink can be a phenomenon that leads an organization to completely ignore a real issue. Complainers may be a gift to help you see what you don’t see and fix a problem that exists that is going to really hurt your organization.

To help our organization and to be better leaders, let’s change our attitude toward complainers. Let’s start to see them as the warning lights or the safety and security force that happens to have a very heightened sensitivity to danger. In the end, it may save you and your organization from a lot of trouble.

Speak Up and Ask “Dumb” Questions

Organizational Culture, Topics in Leadership, Work
Photo by Jonny Caspari on Unsplash

Have you ever been in a meeting,  and people in the meeting start using terminology or acronyms that you don’t understand?  Or you have a comment or clarification related to the meeting discussion but you’re afraid to say it for fear of sounding ignorant? This happens to me often. I’m in a lot of meetings. Between work, my faith community, and Rotary, I’m on five boards.  Acronyms and  industry jargon gets slung around all the time. I don’t always know what they mean.   When that happens, I am in a bind. I am thinking everyone but me must understand this because no-one is asking for clarification. I think to myself, “do I ask what this confusing language means? Will I look dumb for asking? I don’t want to keep sitting here not understanding.”

As I’ve gotten older I’ve decided that if I don’t understand something, I am going to ask and if I  have a comment that’s relevant I’m going to say it.

I let go of of the the fear of sounding stupid.  I figure, at best I’ll gain knowledge and enrich the conversation.  At worst, nothing will happen.  So, if  I can’t quickly figure out the terminology with a Google search, I ask for clarification.

Since I’ve started being inquisitive, do you know what happened? I have started to learn. I know more terms, acronyms and industry-specific language. Also. I’ve found I’m more part of the dialog. Speaking up actually enriches the conversation.

I have found that by asking questions or weighing in with my opinion, I not only learn more. I am asking questions that other people have. I am often pushing the conversation forward in a direction that is lending itself to better decision-making. The discussion is more thorough about the topic.

I know that there’s a saying that goes something like, “better to remain silent and be thought, a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” Yes, there are times to remain silent. I still keep quiet for the most part when politics are discussed or when I am really angry. Words at those times can veer off track.

Fear is an emotion that helps keep us safe when we are in danger. However, when misplaced, fear can keep us from growing. It can cause us to stay out of a conversation. It can cause us to not follow our curiosity. It lets our self talk driven by intimidation or being overly self conscious win the moment. Professional meetings, conferences, or classrooms are places for us to learn, grow, contribute. Not to be fearful.

When you find yourself in meetings with terms being used you don’t know or that need clarified, don’t be afraid to ask about them. People are gracious. They want you to be included in the conversation. After all, you are there to be part of the group and to help make decisions. People leading meetings are usually glad when someone asks for clarification. The last thing  those responsible for leading a meeting want, is for people to not understand what they are saying.

Quiet your negative self talk. Take ownership for your part of the meeting. Ask questions. It will likely make a positive impact on  the outcome.

Reflections on Our 35th Wedding Anniversary

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Photo by Megapixelstock : https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-of-wedding-rings-on-floor-17834/

This weekend past Jane and I completed 35 years of marriage. 35 years of marriage is more than half my life. I’ve been married longer than I’ve been not married.
I am married to my best friend.
Over the course of 35 years Jane has become a part of who I am. She is my right and left hand. The rhythms and seasons of doing life together for 35 years has drawn us together as one.
What began as a vow has become reality. How did this happen? God’s grace.
We celebrated our 35 anniversary with a long-weekend “staycation”.
We spent time at the Ashland Balloon Fest, did a mini local winery tour, explored a couple small towns we’d not been to, hiked a rails-trails, picked blueberries, kidnapped our 18 month old twin granddaughters for a tour of Kingwood Center, saw a movie at the Ashland Theater, and concluded the weekend at one of our favorite local restaurants.
We did the “staycation” to save money…and wound up having a very memorable 35th anniversary.
I remember when Jane and I were engaged we talked about how we could make almost anything into a fun time. When you marry your best friend that happens.
I’ve read that what helps couples grow together is not the big things like expensive trips or expensive jewelry, but everyday acts of kindness, compliments, and expressions of appreciation. Things like showing daily gratitude for your partner, acts of service, simple physical touch like holding hands or hugs, conversation, and expressing support and encouragement. I can’t say I’m the best with all of this but both of us certainly try. And it works.
I am so grateful to be blessed with a life-long covenant partner to walk this past 35 year journey with and pray for many more anniversaries.

Words from a Father (a Father’s Day Reflection)

Faith, Life, Mental Health
Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano

At 60 years old, I am blessed to be the husband of an amazing wife (Jane). We’ve been married for 35 years.  I have 3 incredible daughters, two wonderful sons-in-laws, and 17 month old twin granddaughters. My life is rich and I am thankful. 

I have served in the mental health field as a counselor since 1992. The majority of this work has been in community mental health. 

On Father’s Day, this ancient sacred text was part of my morning reading:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…”*

If you are anxious, angry, self conscious,  worried, or afraid, these words are for you:

You were planned before the earth came into existence.

God Almighty, the consuming fire conceived of you in his all powerful, all knowing, all present being.

He placed you in his story.

He set you apart.

He claimed you as his.

You are not the product of your trauma.

You are not your feelings.

You are not the derogatory names you were called.

You are not the self-incriminating thoughts in your head.

Push the relentless messages of this world aside.

God claims you.

He says, “Mine!”

You are made for more than this world’s words can describe.

You are created in the image of God your Father.

The day he began to plan you, he poured himself into you.

He made you to be creative, kind, and generous.

He made you to laugh, to cry, to grieve, and be joyful.

He made you to sing, to explore, and to learn.

He made you to persevere and not give up.

He made you to be a good friend, a good listener, a defender of the weak, capable of tough love, a giver of mercy and courageous.

Live like you are God’s son or daughter.

Let go of selfishness, anger, vengeance, worry and fear.

Give them to the one who made you. The one who is ready to listen, with the power to do something about your troubles. 

Jeremiah 1:5a.

Reflections on Black History Month

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work
Image by Aaron Mervin from Pixabay

Today is the last day of Black History Month. Over the last few years my life has been enriched by Black professors, coworkers, doctoral students, and authors that I have had the privilege to know and learn from. They have helped me learn to value diverse opinions and appreciate stories and life experiences that are different from my own. We are a nation increasingly defined by our differences, be they color, political, religious, or economic. We forget that, despite our differences, we share what makes us human. The desire to love and be loved, to care for our families and children, to succeed by using the talents and abilities God has given us, and to live the best life possible. May God help us be better at seeing the best in others and giving our best to others. 

Each week I record five 1-minute messages about mental health and wellness, played on local radio stations. The goal is to promote mental health awareness and resilience. I try to be timely and tie the “mental health minute” to calendar or current events. This month, I recorded five of the minutes featuring quotes by Black leaders whose writings have impacted me. Here are the leaders, their quotes, and my brief application to mental health.  

Dr. Martin Luther King Junior: 

“I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright-daybreak-of-peace-and-brotherhood can never become a reality…. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.” 

When our country is increasingly polarized, decide to be a peacemaker. Find ways to build honest and understanding relationships. It is the most important thing you can do for our national mental health.  

Booker T Washington: 

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached-in-life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.” 

One of the most destructive things we can do is compare ourselves to others. We always come up short. Set personal goals rather than using other people’s lives as a measuring stick for your success. Take stock of your own progress and let that be your motivation to take the next step.  

Maya Angelou: 

“Won’t it be wonderful when black history and Native American history and Jewish history and all of U.S. history is taught from one book…Just U.S. history.” 

The United States is and has been made up of the stories of countless individuals who have unique life experiences. Valuing that uniqueness can be healing. Validating someone’s story by honoring their life experience as truly important-and meaningful is essential to-a healthy-mature self-esteem. You have the power to make someone else know they matter.   

Barack Obama: 

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” 

One of the pieces of advice I give adolescents is stop blaming others for their problems and focus on how they can be the solution. When you blame others, you give away your power to fix things. When you focus on how you can solve problems you become a difference maker.  

W. E. B. Bu Bois: 

“Read some good, heavy, serious books just for discipline: Take yourself in hand and master yourself. Make-yourself do unpleasant things so as to gain the upper hand of your soul.” 

Depression makes us want to shut down. Push back against that urge. Challenge yourself to learn new skills, learn about new subjects that interest you, have experiences that open you up to new ways of thinking, or visit unfamiliar places. These all help us overcome depression and combat stress. 

Friends let us commit ourselves to widening our circle of fellowship, friendship and those who speak into our life to include people who have stories different from our own.  

Whose Time Is It Anyway?

Faith, Life, Topics in Leadership, Work
assorted silver colored pocket watch lot selective focus photo
Photo by Giallo on Pexels.com

I try, as best as I can to stay organized with “my” time. Being organized and efficient are some of the traits that typically make the “traits of effective leader” list. What I always tell people is, “getting organized isn’t the problem, it’s staying organized that gets,me.” My calendar and my to-do list are important tools. To keep track of my time I use Google Calendar. I can schedule my time from several devices and keep everything synced. I use Google Keep to create reminders and to-do lists.  I write out my to-dos and check them off on a regular basis.  The work ethic I inherited from my parents leads me to make sure I am being productive and getting things done. I try to make every hour count.

I’m not obsessive about it, but when there are interruptions or intrusions to my plan I can feel a little surge of anxiety or even frustration with the person or situation getting me off track.

Maybe the source of the discomfort is because I forget that the hours I have in the day aren’t really mine. They are given to me by the one who created time.

This week I had a couple “intrusions”  that gently reminded me that the the creator of time may have some things to add to my day. Early in the week I was hunkered down plowing through my to-do list. One of the crisis counselors at the  agency I am the director of ask for me to help with a person in crisis because all the other staff were tied up. My first thought was, “I don’t have time for this.”  Despite my initial reaction I jumped in to help. I did the crisis intervention, and for about an hour I had the privilege of entering into someone’s “valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4). It was a sacred time. This person, in complete trust, shared their deepest pain with me. I found myself feeling blessed by the opportunity to be a listening ear. I realized after the conversation that God had orchestrated this. He wanted me to be an extension of his grace to a suffering soul. This was better than anything on my list for the day.  The second happened as I was leaving the YMCA to get back home after working out. I had planned just enough  time to get in some exercise then get ready for a meeting. On my way out I ran into a friend. I did the quick “Hey how you doing?” Instead of the normal quick “okay” he chose to spend the time to actually share how he was doing. Once again, I felt that twinge of anxiety and my internal dialogue was , “shoot, I don’t have time for this.” I spent about 5 minutes listening and offering support. We parted ways with a smile and a “nice seeing you.” The conversation was not long but it was meaningful. It was enough time to demonstrate to my friend that I cared about him. Once again, a chance to reflect some grace into someone’s life. It was time not blocked out on my schedule but it was a sacred encounter.

So I will start a new work week again Monday.  I have my schedule and my to-do list. I am praying though, that I will be sensitive to God’s plan for what’s ahead and leave room for the creator of time to drop in a few interruptions.

Life Lessons from Stranger Things Season 4

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Organizational Culture
Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

Life Lessons from Stranger Things Season 4

Friends can help you heal trauma.

Friends can help you overcome your personal demons.

Accepting the outsider can bring out the best in them.

Rumors kill.

For many, facts don’t matter, they only get in the way.

We marry our version of reality then we have to maintain it by only allowing in information that fits. Eventually we hear only what reinforces our version of reality and anything else is spun as a sinister lie.

Your enemies will try to get you to give up by breaking your will. You can outlast and overcome them with perseverance, problem-solving, courage, and tenacity.

Evil doesn’t give up easily. Actually, it doesn’t give up.

“Never underestimate the power of a small group of committed people to change the world. In fact, it is the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead

” Greater love has no one than this; to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” ~ Jesus of Nazareth

Being Upheld When I Can’t Uphold Myself.

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work
Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

Have you ever had one of THOSE weeks where your head, body, and confidence are all suffering? I wrote this a week ago:

This week  I’ve battled through a two-day headache, did an important presentation on the fly while not feeling great, been frustrated almost daily because our IT hardware is struggling to keep up with the demand making important meetings very awkward, felt like I fumbled through leading  our monthly all-team meeting (one of the most important things I do), and keenly felt the loss of our long time faithful finance director as we struggle to replace him.

While these things were all going on I was also dealing with a louder than normal nagging voice that tells me I am not enough, I am a weak leader, I don’t have what it takes, and people don’t like me.

By God’s grace I got through the week better than my head, body, and feelings told me I was doing. I wasn’t perfect but as I reflect on that week the reality is I don’t have to be perfect. I need to be faithful. The sacred writings of my faith tradition remind me that,

*When I am at my weakest my Creator is with me at his strongest.
*Though I stumble I am not utterly cast down.
*My Creator’s strength is made perfect in my weakness.
*My Creator’s right hand holds me up when I cannot hold myself up.
*My Creator will renew my strength.
*Though I walk through the valley…My Creator lends his rod to protect me and staff to guide me. 
*My Creator fights for me. All I need to do is be still.

This week I have felt better and thought better.
I have pressed into things with more vigor.
By God’s grace I will, one step at a time, keep moving forward remembering I do not walk alone. 

Sometimes We’re in Such a Hurry We Miss the Blessings Right in Front of Us.

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Photo by veeterzy: https://www.pexels.com/photo/road-between-pine-trees-39811/

I am realizing  that I am living my life in such a hurry that often I miss the blessing right in front of me.

What brought this awareness to my attention was an experience this past Saturday. Jane and Krista were taking a short weekend trip to Lancaster Pennsylvania. Krista was going to a friend’s wedding and Jane was going to spend time with her best friend from high school.  My job was to get them to and from the airport. I had driven to Jane’s dad’s house in Pittsburgh Friday night so that we could have a short drive on to the Pittsburgh airport for their early flight on Saturday. It was a brief night because we stayed up talking.  Though we were all sleepy, we got to the airport on time. I dropped Jane and  Krista off and started home. I was using my GPS to be alerted of any traffic snarls. The GPS started a little different route than usual which I initially didn’t think much of as I assumed it had picked up on some slowdowns.  The route it took me however, wound up being extremely rural and very different from any way I had come home or went to the airport before. I was on a two lane state highway, a county and some township roads. In the end it added only about 20 minutes to my trip.  I went through little towns in Ohio I had never seen before. It actually was quite interesting.

Though the route was scenic, it had few opportunities for a bathroom stop. Now mind you, I am a sleepy, filled with three cups of coffee, 58 year old male.  Two and a half hours without a comfort stop is not an easy task. So by the time I got about five miles from home I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to pull into a gas station to use the restroom. I was mulling over this trip and trying to figure out why in the world my GPS took me on such a bucolic route? 

When I came out of the gas station, got in my car and pulled back on the road I looked up and there was a broad, bold, bright rainbow. Very quickly the Spirit of The Creator spoke into my mind and said “I took you that way just because it was different and to let you enjoy the scenery in the towns and countryside that you’ve never seen before.” 

So here I was stressing most of the way.  Though I enjoyed the ride I could have enjoyed it much more. I kept  trying to figure out why my GPS did this, where I was going to stop to use the restroom, and where I was going to get a sandwich for breakfast.

All along the drive I’d been praying and repeating, “God this must be your will for me to go this way because it is so strange (especially when I veered off into some Township roads).”  

Lesson learned:

God had been listening to my prayers. He gave me a rainbow to remind me that not every twist and turn in our life is for some major reason or some jolting spiritual teaching.  Sometimes it is just simply to give us something different to enjoy. It is to help us rest, relax and be at peace for a while. 

Thank you God for your blessing and for teaching me to be quiet, rest and enjoy the scenery.

The Solution To Our Anger Problem

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Organizational Culture, The Church, Topics in Leadership, Work
photo credit kevin-gent-219197-unsplash

Love your enemies;
Love those who aggravate you;
Love those you have scorned;
Love those you envy;
Love those who disgust you;
Love those you think you are better than;
Love those you do not think work hard enough;
Love those you think use the system;
Love your political opponent;
Love your competitor.

Pray for your enemies;
Pray for those who aggravate you;
Pray for  those you have scorned;
Pray for those you envy;
Pray for those who disgust you;
Pray for those you think you are better than;
Pray for those you do not think work hard enough;
Pray for those you think use the system;
Pray for your political opponent;
Pray for your competitor.

If your enemy is hungry, feed them;
If the one who aggravates you is hungry, feed them;
If the one you scorn is hungry, feed them;
If the one you envy is hungry, feed them;
If the one who disgusts you is hungry, feed them;
If the one who you think you are better than is hungry, feed them;
If the one you do not think works hard enough is hungry, feed them;
If the one you think uses the system is hungry, feed them;
If your political opponent is hungry, feed them;
If your competitor is hungry, feed them.

Anger begets anger.

Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.