It is likely to happen to to all of us at least once. One of the things that has given us a sense of security in life goes away. It may by the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, the loss of our home, the loss of our health or the loss of an election. When it happens we are filled with emotions that range from disbelief, to fear, to anger, to despair. I have seen it happen to many people over the years. One of the most frequent places I saw it was when I worked at a psychiatric hospital that had a program for older adults. Men and women who came there were seeking help for depression, anxiety, psychotic disorders or suicidal thinking.
As time went on I started to see a pattern in the people we worked with. They were all in their 70s and 80s. They all had similar patterns of loss. It may have began with retirement from a job that had given them a sense of purpose, followed by health issues that prevented them from being as active as they once were, followed by giving up their home for a smaller living space, followed by the death of friends who were also aging, and then often the the final straw, giving up their driver’s license.
What was interesting about this process was this: though many of the older adults had similar losses and came into the program with similar despondency, some of them got better while others continued to struggle. As I spent time with the individuals in the program I noticed that those who got better had developed resources that were more deep and enduring than their losses. They had well to draw from that ran deeper than their circumstances. Resources that were stronger than their losses. The sources of strength centered around three themes.
The first resource was emotionally intimate relationships. Even though the death of a spouse was common theme, the older adults who got better had grown roots in other relationships. Their soul mate was gone but they had children, grand children, siblings and friends who buoyed them in the loss. People they could cry with, vent to, and be themselves with. Though they felt the loss of their spouse or loved one, they knew they were not alone in their pain.
The second resource was meaningful activity. Some of the folks had hobbies such as building simple furniture to give to those in need, others volunteered at Head Start and cradled preschoolers who were having a rough day, some were in service clubs, others made candy and gave it away, some gardened or even had a part time job. What made the activity a resource for healing was that it involved generosity. Whatever the activity was, it gave them a sense of putting something good back into the world.
The final resource was a strong spiritual practice. This often included prayer, reading sacred texts, and participating in religious services with like minded believers. What this resource gave those who got better was a place to go with all of the questions that had no answer and with a way to make sense of a very difficult and sometimes complicated life. It was this resource that allowed the older adults to experience a sense that though their world felt like it was falling apart, there was a greater power at work that could and would hold them together.
The lessons I learned a few years ago from some 70 and 80 year old sojourners was that three things made a difference. Relationships, activities that provide a sense of purpose, and a practicing faith in God. I encourage us all to invest in these resources. That way when difficult times rock our world, we will have the strength we need to cope.
During the school year, on the first and third Wednesdays, from 5:30 PM to 7:00 PM , after I get off work, I help serve meals at a local church. The food is great; things like homemade soup, spaghetti, baked potatoes with toppings, tacos, lasagna, and other wonderful dishes. They are served with a side, dessert, and drink. The cost is $3 for an individual and $12 for a family of four or more. The people who prepare the meals, serve the meals, bus the tables, wash the dishes, and clean up afterward are the best people I know. There are seven or so of them. They come from all walks of life. A teacher, a local election board employee, a medical office manager, a steel worker, a director of nursing, a retired factory worker, and an accounting clerk. They serve food, handout drinks, and visit with the guests, There is a table of 80-90 year old widows, single mom’s thankful they don’t have to cook that night, grandparents helping to raise grand-kids, retired couples, families of all shapes and sizes. The atmosphere of the meal is like oxygen. People are smiling, laughing, and encouraging one another. The people serving work together like a well oiled machine.
My aunt’s electric percolator *
My parents’ stove top percolator *
