Category Archives: Life

My Daughter The Resilient.

Faith, Life, The Joy (and humor) of raising girls.

According to the Google dictionary resilience is  “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.”   I am seeing more and more how resilient my daughter Krista is. God has given her a unique strength to recover from difficulties, reframe setbacks, and keep moving on; not allowing herself to become fatalistic. When she experiences a knock-back, Krista regroups and presses on. I’ve seen this characteristic in Krista for several years, but recently I saw an example that made me really proud of her.

Krista is our youngest. She was diagnosed at a young age with an abnormal EEG and ADD [ADHD inattentive type ].  The abnormal EEG diagnosis came because her brain registered seizure activity nonstop during the entire time she slept at night. Academically she was affected by the ADD and also by a learning disability that makes reading comprehension very difficult for her. In junior high and high school we spent many nights pushing through homework, often with tears, as Krista tried to understand  what she was reading or trying to comprehend multiple step math problems.

Outweighing the learning issues, Krista has the characteristics of being a kind, compassionate, and determined hard worker.  Throughout high school she maintained good grades all while running cross country and playing flute in the marching and concert band. After high school she went to a gap-year program and is now in college majoring in social work.

Krista likes to stay busy. For example, she is on the college cross country team, part of a couple recreational clubs, holds a part time job, and keeps up with her school work. In November Krista came home for Thanksgiving break. One quiet evening during the holiday weekend Krista let us know she had gotten “let go” from her job at the campus library because, she “was not analytical enough.” I could tell Krista was really hurt by this. She expressed anger at the library administration for not giving her more time to improve. Krista also expressed frustration over her own struggle with the learning disability that has caused her so many challenges over the years. She said that the supervisor who had delivered the bad news told her that Krista had a great work ethic and was always willing to do the jobs other workers didn’t want to do. The library gave Krista the option to work out the semester, meaning she would work the last three weeks before Christmas break, knowing that they didn’t really think she could do the job. Krista, showing her ability to wade into hard things, chose to stay on and finish out the semester.

Over Christmas break Krista had a few more days of expressing her frustration and hurt over being let go. She could have allowed herself to become embittered at the library administration and settled into a valley of self deprecation over how her cognitive processing issues led to the situation at the library. But…she didn’t. Shortly after New Year’s Day, Krista and I were in the living room talking. I asked her how she was doing with the “whole job thing?” She looked up and said, “Oh, I already have another job. I’m working in housekeeping.” She went on to say, “I’m really excited about it because the supervisor is really cool, and plus I love to clean.” She had apparently applied online over Christmas break and got hired. I didn’t really know what to say. She had accomplished a 180 degree maneuver in a matter of a few days. Though she still feels some anger about the way she was let go and is still a little embarrassed, she has not gotten hung up there. She is not letting herself be defined by a bump in the road. In fact, going further she is able to see how all of this may be a gift. She’ll have better hours and a less stressful work environment for the same pay.

Krista has a heart of compassion for children who have experienced difficulties. Ever since entering the school of social work she has had her eye on working with a child protective agency. Over Christmas break, because she is very efficient, Krista completed a 30 hour practicum at our local child protective services agency. She observed case worker assessments of parents who have had their children removed, observed parent-child supervised visitations, and observed juvenile court hearings. Krista has an ability to see people in all kinds of situations through a lens of mercy. I can’t help but believe that her God-given gift of resilience is not only going to continue to benefit Krista, but may well be a gift she can lend to others as she helps them on their journey.



Christmas Blessings from the Meek

Faith, Life

Every Christmas, for the past several years we have spent the first part of the morning at a community breakfast for people who don’t have anywhere else to go. Our daughters, now in their twenties, look forward to it as much as any other part of Christmas day. The large room is filled with smiles, great conversation and a grand dose of Christmas spirit. Those present have become an annual group of regulars; people from all walks of life, all with an interesting story to tell. The guests not only enjoy the hearty breakfast but also look forward to receiving a generous gift bag. The gifts range from hats, gloves, and scarves to candy and fruit.  The past few years the host church has given away hams and turkeys, which for the folks in attendance, is a special treat.

Being an extreme extrovert my favorite part of the morning is conversing with the guests so that I hear their story and know them more personally. Yesterday when we arrived I was immediately drawn to strike up a conversation with a lady dressed in a bright red sweater who was also wearing a pair of large sunglasses because she was visually impaired. She was there with her husband and grandson. Her name was Fran* and she was a great conversationalist. Not only did Fran share her story, but she was genuinely interested in hearing mine. I don’t know her age but I am guessing Fran and her husband are in their early 60s. I found out Fran has family in upstate New York and had lived near my sister-in-law. Their story included 17 years of employment at a factory in Ashland that ended when her husband had an injury on the job. Before he could return to work the company went out of business.  She and her husband became homeless after the job loss. She shared they had been homeless two times during their life together and had many other struggles including a very long bout with severe depression, failing eyesight, and other health issues. They now live on a very limited income but are comfortable in a small apartment.

I came away from my visit with Fran very enriched. I was enamored by four things about her: her joy, her story, her spiritual perspective, and her prophetic voice. Fran was joyful. She smiled often, laughed easily, and gave out encouragement like a generous millionaire. She was so happy I was familiar with the part of New York she had lived that she chatted with her husband about the connection we were making. Her joy was woven into her story. Here is a person who had been homeless, suffered from debilitating depression for years, had lost most of her eyesight, and yet in the same breath declared enthusiastically “but God is so good.” Her husband joined in at this point and recounted how at every turn, when they were experiencing the lowest points of their lives, God provided for them. They discussed how a friend had given them a place to live, a church helped them with an apartment, Fran found a job right after her husband lost his, and how God had healed her from depression. At this she got very quiet and seemed to mouth a prayer of thanks. She didn’t go into detail but she indicated that the depression had been long and very dark. She then looked up and told me that in that dark depression God had revealed himself through a song. Right there, on the spot, quietly so only I and her husband could hear her, she sang it. Fran had experienced a very personal encounter with the Maker of All Things. Her confidence and her joy were not fake. They were supernatural.

As it was getting to be time for Fran and her husband to go I stepped away from their table. They both shook my hand and told me how they enjoyed talking with me. I told them I had been blessed by our conversation. But I had one more blessing to go. As we three were standing there ready to part ways Fran unexpectedly grabbed me by the shoulders. She bowed her head and began to pray. She prayed a prayer of blessing over me. She spoke her prayer with a voice of authority. It came out of a heart experienced in spiritual matters. Her prayer was personal and powerful. I felt the blessing she transferred to me. Thank you Fran for freely giving what you have received.

*Name was changed to preserve anonymity

For Leaders Battling Negative Thoughts: “If You Know How To Worry, You Know How To Meditate.”

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work
Photo by Dingzeyu Li on Unsplash

The pastor of the church I attend the shared the quote in the title one time and it has always stuck with me. I know after thirteen years of being the director of a not-for-profit mental health center, in leadership, there are plenty of things to keep your eye on.  Being aware of what is wrong or what could go wrong is part of the job. Thinking about those things can easily become an exercise in ruminating about the worst possible outcome.

I am not, by nature, a worrier, but there are times when a worry gets lodged in my mind and I can’t get rid of it. It just grows and grows, eventually stifling and suffocating my thoughts with its pervasiveness and robbing me of joy. I had that experience this weekend. It started on Friday.

  1. My Friday had been made up of  back to back intense meetings. 
  2. I had a conversation around noon that led me to begin to perseverate on doom and gloom. My mind was just starting the process of ruminating on bad things happening.
  3. Around 3:15 pm, after a non-stop schedule, my brain needed a quick break.  About that time I read a message from a local faith based group. It was part of a verse from the prophet Isaiah, “I  have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and rescue you.” 
  4. My spirit immediately connected to the reassuring words. It was the kind of expedience in which you sense the Maker-of-all-things heard your struggle and sent a gentle reminder to encourage you. 
  5. Over the next 44 hours the message of doom and gloom peddled hard for supremacy in my head. I recognized it and tried hard to replace it with the words from Isaiah I had been comforted with on Friday,  “I  have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and rescue you.”
  6. I continued to work at replacing the fatalistic thoughts with the encouraging phrase I had been given. When your mind is in this struggle you have to be persistent about reframing the negativity. It takes focus. On Sunday around noon a new perspective broke through. It cleared the path for problem solving and relaxation.
  7. I have not gone back to the doom and gloom thoughts. They have tried to come back but I focus on the truth of that phrase from Friday.

Sometimes I get asked to speak to a group about how to cope with stress. I tell them that for me it is not easy. My job is so stressful I have to take three kinds of medication in order to manage. When I say that, people get a worried look on their face. They relax though when I tell the medications are exercise, journaling, and prayer-meditation. It’s the third one that helped me get through this last bout of worry and fear. 

If you are a worrier remember, if you know how to worry you know how to meditate. You can find truthful words to meditate on by reading classic literature, Scripture, or poetry.  It is about putting good things into your head and focusing on them when worry wants to take over. Also remember, the Maker-of-all-things is here to help you and remind you that you are not in this alone. 

Every Day You Are a new Person.

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Work

Every morning you wake up you are a new person. You’ve just finished a lifetime of conversations, interactions, observations, and experiences.

  • Let all of those things instruct you.
  • Learn from them. 
  • You can take a different course today.
  • You can react to adversity in a new and more informed way.
  • You can be more gracious in responding to others.
  • You can recognize fears inside of you and set them aside so your decisions are not based on fear.
  • You can see setbacks as giving you direction toward your divine path rather than seeing them as examples of your failure.

Remember, if you are alive, your story is still being written. Today starts a new page. You get to write on it. Find your voice. Take steps toward healing and wholeness.  Look for ways to use your strengths.  The Creator of Life is ready to walk with you. 

    The Glue of Life…and Work.

    Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work

    Trust

    Stephen Covey writes “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” (First Things First, 1994, p. 203)

    I don’t see any way around it. When you are leading an organization, you have to trust people. No matter how talented you are, you do not have the specific knowledge required to do all of the tasks that make your business go round. You must trust others to get things done. I am being reminded of this daily, especially lately. The agency I work for launched two new major systems in the last few months. One is an electronic payroll system and the other is an electronic medical record. Though I was part of the selection and initial implementation, the day to day operation, programming, and ongoing development of the systems is being done by a small team of amazing staff. They have a knack and an aptitude for it.  I am also completely relying on them. Our agency is blessed because they are trustworthy, ethical, dedicated and diligent.

    What I find interesting is the trust required on my part. I ask questions every day, lots of questions. But in the end, I have to trust them to do the work. I trust them to figure things out and get things done. I trust their integrity, their work ethic, and creativity. They in turn, are empowered by  my trust in them. My trust acknowledges their capability and expertise. 

    According to Erik Erickson trust is the first and most basic stage of development (Identity and the Life Cycle, 1959, p. 57).  Erickson writes that without the ability to trust a person cannot develop healthy personality. After 20 years in organizational leadership I would say the same is true of business. A business cannot be healthy unless there is trust at all levels of leadership and staff. Without the giving and receiving of trust an organization is just a collection of people all competing as individuals to accomplish their own agenda. With trust that collection of individuals can become a team moving in the same direction to accomplish a shared mission for the good of each other and the community.

    Covey has it right. Trust is essential for holding relationships together and allowing people to move in the same direction.  It is the glue that facilitates shared agendas and shared goals. As an agency director I strive to trust and be trust worthy. It may be my most important job. 

    Take My Fears

    Faith, Life, Work

    Jehovah, take my fears and replace them with your ancient truth. Take my fears and replace them with your ancient plan. Take my fears and help me replace them with abiding in the ancient mission and purpose you have given me.

    When my eyes get fixed on what seems urgent, on what seems pressing, on what must be done;  let me remember you are present,  you are working.

    You are the beginning and the end. This is your universe. All time is really yours.

    Photo by Joe Beck on Unsplash

    This year begin to undo the lies about yourself and be who you are created to be.

    Faith, Life, Work

    Life and our culture have a way of making alignment to our created purpose confusing. In life we are, as one ancient author described it, “harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”* From birth we are assaulted by lies about who we are.  Sometimes it is our family, sometimes it is our classmates, sometimes our neighbors, or sometimes our co-workers. For sure it is also the constant throbbing message from the culture telling us we are not enough. These lies can settle  deep into our psyche. They may be telling us we need to be skinnier, that we can’t compete intellectually, that  we aren’t good enough to do what we enjoy, or that are our very core there is something wrong in us that makes us irreversibly defective. When these lies take root it makes believing the truth about who the Creator made us to be seem ridiculous. Embracing the lies leads us to a life of frustration, fear and anxiety.

    Unwinding the lies and embracing the truth is within our grasp. It takes persistence, diligence,  and daily perseverance. It also takes doing something different. The lies are embedded in us because we have meditated on them. We have reinforced them. To change we have to begin the deconstruction process. Start by making a commitment to everyday doing what it takes to discover, uproot, and replace the lies.

    1. Take the time to review. Think about the destructive messages you’ve received over the course of your life. Some of the messages have been overt and some covert. As you identify them write them down. Write down who sent the message, be it a person, an institution, or an environment. Ask yourself why you are allowing that person or entity to declare truth about you?
    2. Allow yourself to believe that you were brought into existence by the grand Creator and that this Creator has a truth about you to discover.
    3. Begin to change your input. The lies are sown and grown by input. If you want to uproot and replace the lies with the truth you must change the input. The Creator has given you the power to choose new input. Read or listen to good books. I encourage reading the classics. You can use the internet for a list, or ask a literature teacher.
      **Here I will make personal suggestion. Start with reading the books of                                   the Psalms, Proverbs and New Testament  for 10  minutes every day.                                   Even if you are not in the Christian religion you will benefit from the                                     message.
    4. Begin to Journal. Write out your thoughts, feelings, stories, memories…whatever comes out. When you think of  lies, write out challenges to them. Write  what you are learning about yourself. Write out prayers. Write out poems. Use the journal to pour out your heart. List the things you do well. List out your victories, even the smallest ones.
    5. Begin to use your gifts. If its painting, then paint, if its building things then start, if its encouraging others then do it with gusto. Consider one of my favorite quotes,                      “If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible. Don’t hoard it. Don’t                    dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going                          broke.” Brendan Francis.

    As you being to practice these things regularly you will get new ideas about who you are. Let them settle in. Push back against the lies as they rear their dishonest heads. Embrace the new truths the Creator is teaching you about who you really are. Look for new opportunities to push into. New friendships, new social circles, new hobbies, new work. Give yourself the permission to try even if one of the new things you do does not work out.

    The truth of life is that you have a purpose. You were given talents, abilities, interests and passions because your Creator wants you to have them. He wants you to use them. Make a commitment to move toward undoing anything that is casting a shadow over your glorious potential and move in the direction of alignment with your God given mission.

     

     

     

     

     

    *Matthew 9:36 NIV

    I need a jealous God.

    Faith, Life

    Photo by LoboStudio Hamburg

    I pray a lot. One of the reasons I pray is that  I face problems that require solutions that I do not possess.

    The other day I noticed I was feeling a small tinge of hopelessness as I prayed. At that particular moment I was addressing an issue that I had been praying about for a long time.  I moved on to  praying about another problem that too, seemed ominous and difficult. In the midst of my appeal I realized I was  believing  that my prayers might be weaker than the situations I was petitioning for. I was straining and pleading to be heard and was hoping for God to do something overt and powerful but somewhere deep inside I was perceiving  God as distant.

    The source of my sense of weakness? My view of God had drifted to a god who was nice and caring but  not a god who could or would step in with force and make things right. My conceptualization of God had slipped into the Christian bookstore, marketing  version of “The Almighty”.  That version is a god whose words and images are displayed nicely on gift mugs and plaques.  Whose thoughts and truths are sold  in book after book after book with nice covers, on everything from marriage, to raising kids, to running a business, to prayer. The Christian bookstore god seems far away. Hard to know. Maybe too far off or passive to  deal with my issues.

    I have real problems that require a living God to answer. I need the God  described in ancient Hebrew and Greek texts that answers when people call. The God who wants to step in and be known. I need  a Consuming Fire. I need a  jealous God. I need the God who rides on a white horse and brandishes a double edge sword. I need the God who trains hands for war. I need the  God who casts out the Accuser. I need the  God who made the sun stand still. I need the God whom the demons know and shake with fear of. I need the God who healed the lady with a bleeding disorder. I need  a God who isn’t safe, who no one can see and live.

    I’ve known this God and I’ve seen him act.

    Abba-Father please help me to keep my understanding of you true. Help me to not allow the many ways you get watered down in our culture change how I approach you and how I think about you.

     

     

     

     

    The battle to lead starts in my mind.

    Life, Topics in Leadership, Work

     

    For me, the battle of  leading starts in my mind. Why do I call it a battle? Because good leadership means taking the high road, the ethical road, the humble road, the selfless road.   It takes courage. Too often, I am inclined to make  decisions  out of pride, out of fear,  out of selfishness, or out of people pleasing. This is the battle for my mind. I have seen many others in leadership roles have similar struggles. Somewhere deep inside  insecurities rise up. Often the reaction to the insecurities is to blame someone else for a problem, to be evasive rather than truthful when giving feedback, to minimize bad news rather than take it head on, or simply to avoid dealing with problems all together.

    Why do I fight the battle for my mind rather than  give in? The organization I work for and the people I work with rely on me to make decisions that are best for the company. They rely on me to confront problems. They rely on me to make choices that move the agency forward. To make make choices that allow us to more effectively accomplish the mission of the agency.

    So what I have I found that helps me fight this battle for my mind?

    1. I seek to know what my insecurities are, acknowledge them, and challenge them.
    2. I allow myself  to be open to criticism from anyone in our organization. I make it known that I have an open door policy and that I would rather people come and tell me any problem they have with me than talk behind my back.
    3. I work hard at listening to others and not being defensive when I am criticized. This is not easy but with practice it  becomes a great learning tool.
    4. I practice stress management. For me this involves what I like to refer to as my three kinds of medication. Exercise, journaling, and meditation/prayer using Scripture (Lectio Divina).

    The thing about this battle is that it never ends. Pressures wax and wane.  Demands layer on top of each other. Every day, every month, every quarter, ever year brings new threats, new opportunities, and new challenges.

    Those of us in leadership must actively engage the conflict between our insecurities and being the person  our organization needs us to be.