We fear what may happen, We fear what could happen, We fear what might happen, but none of those things are now, Remain in the Present
We imagine the worst, Our minds and bodies live as if what we dread is occurring, We are bond-servants to our trepidations, but none of these things are now, Remain in the Present
Many sow a terrible story, Many breath a foreboding atmosphere, Many drink the potion of unease, but your experience is only in this moment, Remain in the present.
Can you breath Can you tune out the noise Can you rest in the Divine’s company Can you lend your presence and peace to another Find what is Present.
As much as anything else, work is about learning. It is learning about what we are good at and what we enjoy. It is about striving to get better. Conversely, the learning we receive from a job can also involve finding what we do not like to do. We may discover we don’t care for the work, the clientele, the company, or the entire industry. Finding out we do not like a certain job is important information and can teach us a lot about ourselves. Being unhappy at one job may propel us down a new path we love that we might not have otherwise considered.
So what if you’ve found yourself unhappy in your job? Do not allow the discontent to overcome you. Rather, I suggest you consider one of the following two options. First, if you are not happy in your job but feel that the type of work is something you want to do and before you get so frustrated you become angry, go to your manager and have a heart-to-heart discussion. Tell them what you like about the work and what you struggle with. Ask your manager for suggestions about what you [the employee] could do differently. Tell them what you think they [the manager or company] could do differently. If you are working for a company that believes in employee development and you’ve demonstrated a willingness to work hard, then it is likely your manager will do what they can to help you. It is much better for a company to help an existing employee be successful than to start all over with a new hire. In addition to speaking with your manager also figure out which of your co-workers are really successful and enjoy their jobs. Have a conversation with them. Find out how they do their work tasks, how they organize their day, how they handle the difficulties of the job, what they do for self-care, and what keeps them motivated. Learning from a successful co-worker may be just the thing you need to turn things around and excel. If however, you are convinced you are ready to give up on your current job and don’t want to give it a second thought, then I suggest you consider option number two.
The second option is this…leave gracefully. By this I mean do the following. First read the company policy on terminations. It will inform you of the organization’s expectations for you to leave on good terms. Follow the policy. Second, before resigning look for another job. Conventional wisdom says, “It is easier to find a job while you have a job.” Third, while looking for your new or transition job do not slack at the job you are leaving. Work hard and well. Fourth, once you have secured another job then give the company you are leaving the amount of notice of your departure they ask for in the policy. Leave on good terms. Don’t intentionally burn a bridge. The employer you are leaving may well be called on to give you a formal or more likely informal reference. We all need as many good references as we can get.
Being unhappy at work happens to everyone at some point. For some it is a temporary mood or only a brief season. After all, even if we love our jobs, there are tasks involved with the job we do not like. If, however, you have a pervasive discontent with your job, reach out for help. If that does not work, don’t be afraid to plan your transition. Just do it gracefully.
2019, like every year, was full of opportunities for learning and growth. Here are five things I’ll share that I plan to keep in mind as I go into 2020.
There may be a person in your life who you perceive as your nemesis. It is possible that this person is placed in your life to force you to grow. There are times (and only God knows when) we are not able to grow and develop into the leader we are intended to be unless we have someone in front of us who we must overcome. These are times when skills are required that have laid dormant in us. Skills that have been latent, waiting for the proper environment to sprout. It may be skills like the ability to exercise humility, courage to speak your mind, or the capacity to take decisive action. Whatever it is, you needed that “nemesis” to bring this out in you. It may seem counter-intuitive but be thankful for them even if the growth experience was painful.
There may be a person whom you perceive as very fragile and incapable of getting their feet underneath them and flourishing. It is possible that with the right supports in place, with a tribe of emotionally healthy friends, the feeding of the mind, body and soul with life-giving practices and the shedding of toxic relationships, a person can come into their own. Their skills, abilities and gifts can surface and thrive. Never underestimate or under-appreciate what a history of childhood trauma can do to a person. Never underestimate or under-appreciate what can be recovered when a healthy and supportive network of caring people begin to nurture someone.
The current environment you see yourself and your organization surrounded by may seem very unfriendly. The likelihood is, however, that the people, positions, and politics making it unfriendly will change. Hang in there. You never know when the leader of another agency you work alongside will take another job, when a friend will become a major player in your local government, a colleague will get a top post in the state government, or the new group of lawmakers decide to make rules and laws that are much more supportive of your industry.
If you are in a leadership role, never forget that it is a privilege to be there. It carries with it immense responsibilities. Treat your job with gratitude and treat the relationship with the people you work with as sacred. If no one is following you, you are not leading. You are the chief servant. Put all of the other ideas you have about yourself aside.
It is easy to get caught up in your day-to-day realities. It is easy to see the small space in the universe that you occupy as all there is. When this happens we fail to see the possibilities and potentialities around us. The world is full of amazing and interesting people doing amazing and interesting things. It is full of beautiful and breathtaking places. It is so important to step away from your work. To take time off. To see people and places you’ve never seen before. It does not necessarily require you to travel far. Go to art galleries. Go to a museum. Go to the zoo. See the Great Lakes. Go to a national park. See the ocean. Travel to another state or country if you can. These things help you realize that there is much more to life than your job or the circumstances you find yourself in.
I hope you find this list helpful. I’ve experienced all of it this year. Blessings to you and have a wonderful and meaningful 2020.
I have worked as the Executive Director of a community mental health, substance misuse, housing, and abuse recovery agency for the past fourteen years. Presently the organization I work for has just under 100 employees, multiple local partners, and a very significant and daunting mission. It is a demanding job with an agency that is making a difference in our community. For those of you in similar positions you know that being in charge comes with challenges. As the years have gone by I find myself filing away simple little principles for my behavior that help me do my job more effectively. They are things I tell myself when I feel like taking a shortcut. Some of them apply to how I represent our agency. Some apply to how I make decisions. Some apply to how I treat others. None of them are terribly earth shattering but if you tuck then away and use them as reminders they can help keep you on track.
It is better to be overdressed than underdressed.
It is better to over-communicate important information than under-communicate important information.
It is better to over-plan an intervention or change than under-plan an intervention or change.
It is better to over-prepare for a presentation than under-prepare for a presentation.
It is better to be early for an appointment or meeting than late to an appointment or meeting.
It is better to leave more-than-enough time to get a project done than not enough time to get a project done.
It is better to go overboard with thank-yous and appreciation than under acknowledge or not acknowledge people’s contributions and generosity.
It is better to listen for a long time without speaking than to not listen long enough.
It is better to get advice and perspectives from many people than fail to get enough advice.
It is better to err on the side of generosity than fail to extend grace, mercy, or resources to someone in need.
I thought I would tell this simple story from my work at a psychiatric hospital in the mid-1990s and what it taught me about mental health.
Part of my job at the psychiatric hospital was to work in an intensive outpatient program for older adults. The people we worked with were sixty-five years old or older. They came into the program with a variety of issues. Some were depressed, some were wrought with anxiety, some were experiencing hallucinations and/or delusions, some were so discouraged they had become suicidal. Though their symptoms varied, the stories of why they were feeling the way they were was similar. Their aging years had brought about a series of losses. Often friends or family had passed away. The patient’s health was declining. They were no longer working. They may have had to move from their home into a more manageable living environment. They were no longer able to drive themselves. They had lost many of the things in life that had always given them a sense of meaning and joy. The losses had created a crisis of identity.
What became fascinating to me is that though the individuals in the program all had arrived at the psychiatric hospital with a similar series of losses some of them recovered from their psychiatric symptoms and moved on and others continued to struggle. Over time I began to notice a pattern in the patients who recovered. Those who recovered had three factors in their lives that seemed to give them the ability to bounce back. I want to point out that none of the three factors had anything to do with medication. Actually all of the patients were prescribed similar medications. Antidepressants, antipsychotics, and/or antianxiety medications were common for all the people in the partial hospitalization program. Psychiatry did not seem to be the cure.
The first factor was that those patients who bounced back had supportive and emotionally intimate relationships with very close friends or family. Often it was a long time coworker, a neighbor, or their adult children or grandchildren. These relationships mattered for several reasons. These close friendships meant that someone was there everyday or at least called everyday to make sure the patient was doing okay. This allowed the person recovering to believe they mattered. These relationships also allowed the patient to be authentic and real with another human who cared for them. They could be honest about their feelings without being judged. Mostly these relationships were powerful because when the patient got into a tough time, there was someone they could turn to for help. They did not feel alone.
The second factor was that those patients who recovered had a hobby, an interest or a part time job that gave them a sense of meaning. One guy made stools people could sit on while they gardened. One lady spent several weeks making special holiday candy and cookies. Another gentleman did a tremendous amount of volunteer work for his church. One guy made wooden toys. Another lady was a leader in a weight loss club. It really didn’t matter what it was. The important thing was that it gave a sense of meaning, purpose, and joy to the person.
The final factor that I identified in the patients who recovered was that they had an active, personal, and strong spiritual faith. Some were Catholic, some were Protestant, some were Pentecostal, and some were much more eclectic. What did a strong personal faith do for the patients who were resilient? How did it contribute to their recovery? I observed this. It gave them a place to go with their questions that did not have answers. Questions such as why did my husband die before me? Why am I experiencing the difficulties that I am? Why am I sick? Through their their faith they were able to live with the things in life that did not make sense.
When I think about my own mental health I often reflect back on those simple lessons I learned from the many patients I saw at the psychiatric hospital. The importance of emotionally intimate relationships with family and friends. The importance of having meaningful work and leisure activities. And finally the ability to rest in a Creator who loves me and cares about the details of my life. It is these simple and unsophisticated things that provided stability and hope. These are the buoys that held up the people in the psychiatric hospital when their lives seemed to be caving in. These are anchors we can all develop. We can kindle old friendships and make new ones (“if you want a friend be a friend”). We can pursue our hobbies and interests. We can find ways to enrich others. We can pray and pursue the Creator. Not only can we do this for ourselves but we can reach out and bring others along with us.
Recently on a Saturday I wrote this in my journal, “Today I started out with a long workout at the YMCA, moved on to reading several chapters in J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban, and concluded by making and baking three pecan pies. I feel relaxed and reenergized.”
Now, what does this have to do with being a leader? Well, this…being in a leadership role, as wonderful as that may may sound, is often mentally, emotionally, and physically depleting. If you are a manager, administrator or in any way a leader of an organization you need to make sure you are taking rest very seriously.
Why am I writing this now? For the past three weeks I had been grinding out my job with little reprieve. The weeks included several late night meetings, various big projects with imposing back to back deadlines, orienting new staff, strategic planning sessions, all on top of the normal day to day work that is typical in my role. By the end of completing the last large project I felt like I had been running on fumes and the fumes were gone. My mind and body had collapsed before arriving at the gas tank and I was crawling. One of my personal warning signs that I am stretched out way too thin is acid reflux. It was raging. I am usually able to manage it through a combination of keeping my carbohydrate intake really low, frequent aerobic exercise, and getting eight hours of sleep. During these past three weeks I had developed a bout of reflux that was unrelenting despite my diligent use of diet, exercise and sleep. I could sense deep inside what I needed was a total break from my work and responsibilities. I needed a Sabbath rest.
Providentially, Jane and I had planned a long weekend out to visit our daughter and son-in-law in Indiana. We were going to stay at our favorite bed-and-breakfast, enjoy time with family, and just chill. I wouldn’t have time to think about work, or teaching, or planning, or administrating. I intended to visit, read, and hike, all of which equal rest for me. What surprised me is that after day one my reflux was back under control. It was like magic. Just a couple days before, despite my typical stress management routine, the reflux would not go away, But just like that, one day with total mental, physical, and emotional space away from work, and it was better.
Day to day stress management is essential but what this experience reinforced is that periodically we also need a lengthier, more intentional rest. The concept that keeps coming to my mind is Sabbath rest. This is an idea out of the Jewish tradition. Yahweh [in Jewish tradition this is the personal name for the true God] directs people to take a weekly rest from work. Yahweh also directs that there are routine lengthier times of rest from labor. Not only for people but also for livestock and even the land they farm.
Rest is a built-in hard wired necessity. Resting our mind, our bodies, and our spirit from the work we do is essential to the human soul. If we do not rest, both weekly routine rest and periodic lengthier times of rest (possibly our concept of a vacation) then we burn out, become irritable, less productive, and are less able to accomplish our personal mission. In our society, where technology makes work accessible 24/7 this kind of rest must be intentional.
So my friends, those of you who are in any type of leadership role, find your rest. Plan a Sabbath rest. Disconnect completely from your work. Connect or reconnect with the people in your life, immerse yourself in your favorite hobby, get outside, go hiking, go camping, read a book [not work related], or do a home project you’ve been wanting to do. You know what gives you rest and fills you up emotionally and a spiritually. Whatever it is, engage it. Chances are you’ll come back better ready to do the work that the Maker of Work has given you to do.
There are many reasons I am proud of my daughters but one of the biggest reasons is how seriously they take friendship. They are tenacious friends. A few weeks ago, Mary, a dear friend of my two oldest daughters lost her mother to a rare and fatal illness. The time between diagnosis and death was short, only a few weeks. This death came on the heels of Mary’s husband Jay losing his father to a short brutal battle with cancer. Two deaths in a matter of three months. These two deaths were devastating to the family. But like so many things in life, that tragedy was an opportunity to observe love and kindness at its best. Melisa, my oldest daughter who is especially close to Mary, announced that she had completely cleared her schedule so she could stay with Mary for the entire time of her mom’s calling hours and funeral. She made it clear she was going to be there for Mary for whatever she needed. Abby, my second oldest daughter, lives four hours away and just started a new job. She advocated with her boss and was able to get a day off to be home to support her friend. As I watched Melisa and Abby support Mary during her darkest hour I found myself admiring them and their capacity to unselfishly care for someone else.
I believe that teaching your son or daughter to be a good friend is possibly the most essential strength you can give them. Within that strength are several skills that will help them in most other life circumstances they will find themselves in. Being a friend means having a set of attitudes and behaviors that enable you to develop authentic and trusting relationships with others. It means being able to set your own needs aside to help another. It means having the capacity to be vulnerable and share emotions. Friendship requires the selfless skill of listening. It includes the capacity to think about what someone else is going through and what they may require to get through it. It means being able to suspend your needs for comfort and be a comfort to someone else. It means keeping someone in confidence rather gossiping. It means having someone else’s back. All of these not only make you good at being a friend, but also a good employee, a good parent, and a good citizen.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was, “If you want a friend then be a friend.” Research studies into longevity and happiness repeatedly find that having good friends correlates to a happier and longer life *. In an era where adults and children are more and more lonely **, more and more anxious, more and more connected to an imaginary world known as social media, and less likely to say they have a close companion, it is absolutely essential that parents teach their children how to be a good friend. This of course means that you parent, know how to be a good friend as well. You must model friendship skills to your children. Use the many opportunities in daily life to model friendship and include your children. Take a meal to an elderly person. Go see people you know who are in the hospital. Send notes of encouragement to people who are going through a rough time and have your children draw pictures to include in the envelope. As a family start a list of people you are going to pray for and pray for them with your kids. Invite people you know over for dinner and a game night. Use these activities to help your children hone the skill set they need to be aware of others needs and to be in healthy and appropriate friendships. If you do this you will not only give your children skills that will serve them well as adults, but you will you also most likely make the world a better place.
Over the years I’ve been in a leadership role, I have kept a running list of small behaviors or principles that build trust. They let others know the relationship you have with them is important to you. They serve as a set of behaviors and boundaries that promote integrity. They are things we all can do. Here are eight I jotted down that recently have meant a lot to me.
Return calls promptly…next day at the latest. If you can’t call right away send a quick text or email letting the caller know you got their message and will call back the next day.
Return emails on the same day. If you can’t fully answer, shoot back a courteous quick reply letting the sender know when you’ll respond to their question. Keep the conversation going.
If you are going to be late to a meeting send a text or a quick call to let the person leading the meeting know you are on your way and how late you’ll be.
Send thank you notes, emails or texts frequently. Be generous with “thank you”.
If a group or meeting you are part of doesn’t have a secretary and needs someone to take minutes, volunteer to do it then email out the minutes to the group within 48 hours. (FYI often the minutes are not much more than a detailed outline)
Before you can expect someone to be interested in what you have to say, you have to be interested in what they have to say.
If you make a mistake admit it, apologize for it, and learn from it.
Do not gossip (revealing personal or sensational facts about others…Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Gossiping ruins your credibility.
I challenge you to put these into practice over the next month and see how it goes.
According to the Google dictionary resilience is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” I am seeing more and more how resilient my daughter Krista is. God has given her a unique strength to recover from difficulties, reframe setbacks, and keep moving on; not allowing herself to become fatalistic. When she experiences a knock-back, Krista regroups and presses on. I’ve seen this characteristic in Krista for several years, but recently I saw an example that made me really proud of her.
Krista is our youngest. She was diagnosed at a young age with an abnormal EEG and ADD [ADHD inattentive type ]. The abnormal EEG diagnosis came because her brain registered seizure activity nonstop during the entire time she slept at night. Academically she was affected by the ADD and also by a learning disability that makes reading comprehension very difficult for her. In junior high and high school we spent many nights pushing through homework, often with tears, as Krista tried to understand what she was reading or trying to comprehend multiple step math problems.
Outweighing the learning issues, Krista has the characteristics of being a kind, compassionate, and determined hard worker. Throughout high school she maintained good grades all while running cross country and playing flute in the marching and concert band. After high school she went to a gap-year program and is now in college majoring in social work.
Krista likes to stay busy. For example, she is on the college cross country team, part of a couple recreational clubs, holds a part time job, and keeps up with her school work. In November Krista came home for Thanksgiving break. One quiet evening during the holiday weekend Krista let us know she had gotten “let go” from her job at the campus library because, she “was not analytical enough.” I could tell Krista was really hurt by this. She expressed anger at the library administration for not giving her more time to improve. Krista also expressed frustration over her own struggle with the learning disability that has caused her so many challenges over the years. She said that the supervisor who had delivered the bad news told her that Krista had a great work ethic and was always willing to do the jobs other workers didn’t want to do. The library gave Krista the option to work out the semester, meaning she would work the last three weeks before Christmas break, knowing that they didn’t really think she could do the job. Krista, showing her ability to wade into hard things, chose to stay on and finish out the semester.
Over Christmas break Krista had a few more days of expressing her frustration and hurt over being let go. She could have allowed herself to become embittered at the library administration and settled into a valley of self deprecation over how her cognitive processing issues led to the situation at the library. But…she didn’t. Shortly after New Year’s Day, Krista and I were in the living room talking. I asked her how she was doing with the “whole job thing?” She looked up and said, “Oh, I already have another job. I’m working in housekeeping.” She went on to say, “I’m really excited about it because the supervisor is really cool, and plus I love to clean.” She had apparently applied online over Christmas break and got hired. I didn’t really know what to say. She had accomplished a 180 degree maneuver in a matter of a few days. Though she still feels some anger about the way she was let go and is still a little embarrassed, she has not gotten hung up there. She is not letting herself be defined by a bump in the road. In fact, going further she is able to see how all of this may be a gift. She’ll have better hours and a less stressful work environment for the same pay.
Krista has a heart of compassion for children who have experienced difficulties. Ever since entering the school of social work she has had her eye on working with a child protective agency. Over Christmas break, because she is very efficient, Krista completed a 30 hour practicum at our local child protective services agency. She observed case worker assessments of parents who have had their children removed, observed parent-child supervised visitations, and observed juvenile court hearings. Krista has an ability to see people in all kinds of situations through a lens of mercy. I can’t help but believe that her God-given gift of resilience is not only going to continue to benefit Krista, but may well be a gift she can lend to others as she helps them on their journey.
