Category Archives: Mental Health

Stressed out

Life, Mental Health

Since Monday I have had a chance to give four presentations about stress management to local high school students.  Its a topic near and dear to my heart because I have to work hard at it [stress management]  myself. Here is the gist of what I said to the teens.

A scale is a great way to think of stress management. We can’t avoid stress. Stress comes from the good things and bad things in life. The key is to balance the amount of stress we experience  with an equal or greater amount of coping skills.

  • A 2015 American Psychological Association  study found that teenagers (Millennials) report higher levels of stress than adults. (http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2015/snapshot.aspx).
  • Teens are sleep deprived and it leads to increased feelings of stress and anxiety. (https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2015/10/among-teens-sleep-deprivation-an-epidemic.html)
  • Greater use of social media may increase the likelihood of experiencing depression. ( http://www.upmc.com/media/NewsReleases/2016/Pages/lin-primack-sm-depression.aspx

The students I met with identified their top five stressors as:

  • Family issues (conflict).
  • School issues (testing, homework, difficulty with learning).
  • Money issues (not enough money for college).
  • Peer/Friendship issues (conflict, drama).
  • Depression.

We spent time talking about ways to counter the stress they feel. I shared the importance of taking care of our mind, body and spirit.

  • Exercise is very effective at helping the body manage stress and combat depression. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC474733/).
  • Journaling helps to put our thoughts on paper and untangle the mess in our head. (http://www.depressiontoolkit.org/takecare/journaling.asp)
  • Mindfulness has a growing body of research pointing to its benefits related to stress management. (http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx
  • Additionally I suggested they…
    • Read good books
    • Keep a humor library
    • Carve in more time for sleep
    • Cultivate good friendships
    • Pray (and like in the AA 12 steps, believe that a power greater than themselves can restore them to sanity).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Each Other or Perish

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work

My wife made this for my office. I wanted this message to be the first thing people see when they walk in. Its from Mitch Albom’s book Tuesday’s with Morrie. The author is paraphrasing Morrie’s favorite poet W.H. Auden in his poem September 1, 1939. 

Negative emotions, whether they be jealousy, resentment, envy, greed, or  unhealthy pride tear agencies and businesses apart. So often as an agency director, whether it be at my organization or another,  I have seen destructive  emotions lead to divisions between individuals and teams . These dark feelings, when harbored,  stifle the ability of an organization to accomplish its mission. Conflicts and disagreements are necessary and healthy. They are often the fuel for the energy that leads to healthy change. But in the end, it is things like truth, forgiveness, humility, and kindness that create the organizational climate and culture for staying power and growth in an organization.

 

When Your World Gets Rocked

Faith, Life, Mental Health

stress-jeremy-thomas-unsplash

It is likely to happen to to all of us at least once.  One of the things that has given us a sense of security in life goes away. It may by the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, the loss of our home, the loss of our health or the loss of an election. When it happens we are filled with emotions that range from disbelief, to fear, to anger, to despair. I have seen it happen to many people over the years. One of the most frequent places I saw it was when I worked at a psychiatric hospital that had a program for older adults. Men and women who came there were seeking help  for depression, anxiety, psychotic disorders  or suicidal thinking.

As time went on I started to see a pattern in the people we worked with. They were all in their 70s and 80s. They all had similar patterns of loss. It may have began with retirement from a job that had given them a sense of purpose, followed by health issues that prevented them from being as active as they once were, followed by giving up their home for a smaller living space, followed by the death of friends who were also aging, and then often the the final straw, giving up their driver’s license.

What was interesting about this process was this: though many of the older adults had similar losses and came into the program with similar despondency, some of them got better while others continued to struggle. As I spent time with the individuals in the program  I noticed that those who got better had developed  resources that were  more deep and enduring than their losses. They had well to draw from that ran deeper than their circumstances. Resources that were stronger than their losses. The sources of strength centered around three themes.

The first resource was emotionally intimate relationships. Even  though the death of a spouse was common theme, the older adults who got better had grown roots in other relationships. Their soul mate was gone but they had children, grand children, siblings and friends who buoyed them  in the loss. People they could cry with, vent to, and be themselves with. Though they felt the loss of their spouse or loved one,  they knew they were not alone in their pain.

The second resource was meaningful activity. Some of the folks had hobbies such as building simple furniture to give to those in need, others volunteered at Head Start and cradled preschoolers who were having a rough day,  some were in service clubs, others made candy and gave it away, some gardened or even had a part time job. What made the activity a resource for healing was that it involved generosity. Whatever the activity was, it gave them a sense of putting something good back into the world.

The final resource was a strong spiritual practice. This often included prayer, reading sacred texts, and participating in religious services with like minded believers.  What this resource gave those who got  better was  a place to go with all of the questions that had no answer and  with a way to make sense of a very difficult and sometimes complicated life. It was this resource that allowed the older adults to experience a sense that though their world felt like it was falling apart, there was a greater power at work that could and would hold them together.

The lessons I learned a few years ago from some 70 and 80 year old sojourners was that three things made a difference. Relationships, activities that provide a sense of purpose, and a  practicing  faith in God. I encourage us all to invest in these  resources. That way when difficult times rock our world, we will have the strength we need to cope.

“It’s not your job to fix broken men.”

Life, Mental Health

broken 

It’s Not Your Job To Fix Broken Men

“It’s not your job to fix broken men.” I wrote down this quote after watching  Private Violence (http://www.privateviolence.com), an HBO Documentary about the disturbing reality of  partner violence against women. I want my three daughters to know it’s not their job to fix broken men. I want my daughter’s friends to know this. I want the young girls, the moms, and the grandmas who come to the mental health center and domestic violence shelter I work for to know this.

As much as I want the women and girls I know to run away from “broken men”, it is not right or  fair to place the responsibility to avoid  one sided, exploitive,and  abusive  relationships on the ladies. It belongs squarely on the men.

Though there are many emotionally healthy and mature men in our culture, I am concerned with the number of guys, young and old, who are emotionally underdeveloped. In relationships this turns into behavior that is self centered in its mildest form  and violently abusive at its extreme.  Over the years in my work in the mental health and abuse recovery field,  I have accumulated a list of behaviors that I regularly see in men who are emotionally immature and who are  exploitive/abusive partners. I propose this list as a survey to guys. In this list  I am outlining  the behaviors I see that are strong indicators that a man is not ready for an emotionally or physically intimate relationship but rather should focus his attention on “growing up” emotionally. The growing up process may take the form of seeing a professional counselor, a spiritual mentor or an accountability group. Here is the list:

  1. If you find yourself believing that your wife or girlfriend is your possession and that you in have every right to control and/or punish her then you are an abusive man. You need to immediately step away and work with specialist to undo this dangerous character trait.  Healthy relationships are built upon a  foundation of freedom, trust, and supporting the intellectual, spiritual, academic, economic, and creative growth of your partner.
  2. If you have ever said to you wife or girlfriend, “if you break up with me I will kill myself,” then you are a manipulative man who is exploiting the kindness and sense of responsibility your partner has. You need to begin to work with a professional to develop a more stable and mature sense of self. Healthy men focus on what they can give to their partner not what they can take. Love flourishes in freedom and is diminished in an environment characterized by threats.
  3. If you choose to have a sexual relationship with your female partner but you expect her to be fully responsible for birth control then you are selfish and too immature for a relationship. You have a lot of inner work to do so that your emotional development becomes much less egocentric. Males  who have grown up to become mature men realize that a sexual relationship involves embracing the responsibility for birth control.
  4. If you verbally degrade your girlfriend in front of others and/or degrade your wife in front of your children then you are abusive. You need reevaluate your behavior in the relationship and deal with your sense of inferiority so that you no longer need to humiliate and control others. Men who are fully emotionally developed want their partner to grow and succeed. They constantly seek to build their partner up.
  5. If you text your girlfriend or wife throughout the day to make sure you know what she is doing or to intimidate her and control her then you are an abusive partner. You are too insecure for a relationship. Step away and seek professional help before entering back into the partnership. Emotionally mature men are not plagued by a concern of their partner being out of their control. They want their partner to flourish.
  6. If you try to keep your wife or girlfriend away from her family or friends then you are an abusive partner. Step away from the relationship and find professional help. Emotionally mature  partners embrace the loved ones of their girlfriend or spouse and seek to integrate with them in positive, healthy  ways.
  7. If you find yourself accusing  your girlfriend or wife of cheating with every guy who looks at her you are too insecure to be in a relationship. Emotionally mature men aren’t paranoid. If jealousy is a dominant emotion for you then  you need to seek help. Do not blame your girlfriend or spouse. They do not make you jealous. You need professional help.
  8. If you attempt to control where your wife or girlfriend works because you are concerned that economically, educationally or positionally they will have more power than you then you are too insecure to be in an emotionally intimate relationship. Step back and seek help. Mature partners seek to have their spouse or significant other become their best self.
  9. If you expect your wife or girlfriend to work, keep up the house (clean, pay bills, prepare meals …), and be the primary childcare provider while you do not do any of the above then you are selfish and immature. Emotionally mature men work hard to do their part for  the family financially, as a parent, and to maintain the household. It is an equal partnership. Don’t be a freeloading male.
  10. If envy, jealousy, and anger are the emotions that describe what you feel toward your partner then please, seek professional help. Relationships characterized by these emotions do not end well.

These 10 descriptions are not a comprehensive list.  There are many other ways abusive and exploitative relationships manifest themselves. If you find yourself with partner who demonstrates these behaviors, please, seek out support. Find the resources you need to move out of the situation. If you are the one with these behaviors then be honest with yourself, step away, seek help, and do the work necessary to develop into a mature, healthy, and supportive partner.

5 skills every executive must have | Behavioral Healthcare Magazine

Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Uncategorized
Photo by: ralphbijker
Photo by: ralphbijker

Donna Marbury hit the nail on the head identifying the traits mental health leaders need to embody during this time of transition. Ohio Community Mental Health Centers (CMHC) are going through a period of fundamental change.

In her article she highlights the need for executives to 1) Embrace technology, 2) Encourage program innovation, 3) Be in tune with staff, 4) Understand patient needs, and 5) Have patience.

For Ohio CMHCs, technology is going to be one of the keys to staying relevant. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) and the Ohio Behavioral Health Redesign (BHR) are emphasizing outcomes. Agencies that are stronger  at demonstrating patient improvement will have an edge. Being successful at this means embracing a powerful technology system that makes data easily accessible. Knowing the patients that are  served and how to adapt programming to increase accessibility and help them accomplish their goals will be essential. It also means finding ways to help each patient holistically. The outcomes that the ACA and BHR want to see reflect both physical and mental wellness.

Great clinicians and support personnel make this happen. No director can succeed without excellent staff that works well as a team.    Gary Humble of Pinnacle Partners, who is quoted in the article below says it well, “the infrastructure of the organization—the clinical and administrative pieces—must be in unison.”

There are many articles out there about what it takes to be a leader. If you’re in the behavioral health field, this one is  worth the read.

http://http://www.behavioral.net/article/5-skills-every-executive-must-have

How BIG are your problems?

Faith, Life, Mental Health, The Church, Topics in Leadership, Work
Photo by Frank Wouters
Photo by Frank Wouters

Let’s face it, no matter what role in life you find yourself in, there are times your problems seem much bigger than the resources you have to solve them. If you are like me, when those perilous stretches of time are pressing in I don’t sleep well, I don’t eat well, and  I focus all my thoughts on how big the problems are and on how much power they have over me.   The more I obsess on my difficulties  the more dominance I allow them to have over me.

A few years ago the senior pastor of my church taught me a very powerful truth about problems. The truth is found in this simple phrase that resonates in my mind when difficult circumstances start to seem like they are going to have the upper hand.  My pastor’s words of truth: “If you have a BIG GOD you’ve got small problems; If you have a small god you’ve got BIG PROBLEMS.” This simple phrase helps me move away from emphasizing the power of the predicaments in front of me and helps me focus on the resources I have around me and inside of me.

As leaders when we see the threats in front of us we must reposition our fear and focus on the opportunities and strengths of our organizations. Concentrate on gathering the collective energy and creativity of our staff to find new paths forward. As parents we need to always be looking at our children’s many gifts, talents, and passions rather than their few hang-ups. Doing so helps them grow into their best selves. It also helps them see themselves through the lens of capability rather than inability.

So friends, let’s be real here. Life is hard. Each day brings its share of trouble. But by God’s grace, and by focusing on the resources we have, we can move forward helping our organizations and families be overcomers rather than overcome.

Blessings,

Jerry

 

 

 

Moving through the stressful times as a leader

Faith, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work

Slieve League Cliffs Ireland

Anyone in a leadership role has felt it. That sense of crushing pressure compressing  on you by difficult circumstances. The pressure may be coming from internal or external forces. It may be complex and multifaceted.   Either way, as the primary decision maker and problem solver for an organization,  you feel the stress. We leaders respond to the pressure in different ways depending on our personalities or the make-up of our character.  Some of us get angry and aggressive. Others get distant and distracted. Some get sick. Yet some of us, on good days, find a way to move through the stress and remain hopeful. The pressures and circumstances pushing on us stay the same, but we were able to see them differently. We see them as transient and manageable instead of fixed and intolerable.

If the stressors remain the same then what is it that allows a leader to handle the pressures more adaptively? The answer is in finding coping skills equal to the forces pushing on us. When I have the opportunity to speak to aspiring leaders I often tell them I have to take three kinds of medication to handle the pressures of my job. The medications I take are 1) regular exercise (usually running, 2) journaling, and 3) prayer/meditation. I find that when I am taking my medication regularly the very large, powerful, and frightening problems aren’t as daunting.  It also seems that the greater the strength of the stress, the more I have to rely on my medication. When things are rough, I need more exercise,  journaling,  prayer, and meditation.

If you are a leader who is feeling overwhelmed and discouraged by the trials and difficulties in your job, try looking for some helpful medicine. I know leaders who paint, draw, write, run, do yoga, martial arts, meditate, pray, or participate in a drum circle.  If you take the remedy regularly your problems may look much more solvable and your stress may feel much more tolerable.

God bless,

Jerry

The power of relationship.

Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership
Photo by Wandering Angel
Photo by Wandering Angel

This article by David Covington does an excellent job pointing out the importance of relationship and personal connection to our well-being.   For each of us to know that we matter, that our work and life have meaning,  and that we are part  of a community makes all the difference. For children to know this encourages resilient lives, for spouses to know this encourages strong and stable marriages, and for employees to know this encourages great organizations.

http://davidwcovington.com/2016/01/07/the-bugs-and-the-bees-mental-health-really-matters-for-all-of-us/

6 Reasons You Seriously Need to Slow Down | RELEVANT Magazine

Faith, Life, Mental Health, The Church

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I don’t know about you but I can relate to “busy. It’s busy with good things… work, volunteering, watching my daughter’s cross country race, meetings at church, or keeping the grass cut.  If you are the kind of person who says “yes”  then maybe you can relate. The problem is that too much  busy pushes other important,  more  contemplative practices aside. This article by  Frank Powell gives some good examples of what gets lost when we fill our days and lives too full.
http://http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/6-reasons-you-seriously-need-slow-down