Category Archives: Mental Health

Leaders, You Need to Take REST Very Seriously

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work, ,
Photo by Angelina Kichukova on Unsplash
Photo by Angelina Kichukova on Unsplash

Recently on a Saturday I wrote this in my journal, “Today I started out with a long workout at the YMCA, moved on to reading  several chapters in J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban, and concluded by making and baking three pecan pies. I feel relaxed and reenergized.”

Now, what does this have to do with being a leader? Well, this…being in a leadership role, as wonderful as that may may sound, is often mentally, emotionally, and physically depleting. If you are a manager, administrator or in any way a leader of an organization you need to make sure you are taking rest very seriously.

Why am I writing this now? For the past three weeks I had been grinding out my job with little reprieve. The weeks included several late night meetings, various big projects with imposing  back to back deadlines, orienting new staff, strategic planning sessions, all on top of the normal day to day work that is typical in my role. By the end of completing the  last large project I felt like I had been running on fumes and the fumes were gone. My mind and body had collapsed before arriving at the gas tank and I was crawling. One of my personal warning signs that I am stretched out way too thin is  acid reflux. It was raging. I am usually able to manage it through a combination of keeping my carbohydrate intake really low, frequent aerobic exercise, and getting eight hours of sleep. During these past three weeks I had developed a bout of reflux that was unrelenting despite my diligent use of diet, exercise and sleep. I could sense deep inside what I needed was a total break from my work and responsibilities. I needed a Sabbath rest.

Providentially, Jane and I had planned a long weekend out to visit our daughter and son-in-law in Indiana. We were going to stay at our favorite bed-and-breakfast, enjoy time with family, and just chill. I wouldn’t  have time to think about work, or teaching, or  planning, or administrating. I intended to visit, read, and hike, all of which equal rest for me. What surprised me is that after day one my reflux was back under control. It was like magic. Just a couple days before, despite my typical stress management routine, the reflux would not go away, But just like that, one day with total mental, physical, and emotional  space away from work, and it was better.

Day to day stress management is essential but what this experience reinforced is that periodically we also need a lengthier, more intentional rest. The concept that keeps coming to my mind is Sabbath rest. This is an idea out of the Jewish tradition. Yahweh [in Jewish tradition this is the personal name for the true God]  directs people to take a weekly rest from work. Yahweh also directs that there are routine lengthier times of rest from labor. Not only for people but also for livestock and even the land they farm.

Rest is a built-in hard wired necessity. Resting our mind, our bodies, and our spirit from the work we do is essential to the human soul. If we do not rest, both weekly routine rest and periodic lengthier times of rest (possibly our concept of a vacation) then we burn out, become irritable, less productive, and are less able to accomplish our personal mission. In our society, where technology makes work  accessible 24/7 this kind of rest must be intentional.

So my friends, those of you who are in any type of leadership role, find your rest. Plan a Sabbath rest. Disconnect completely from your work. Connect or reconnect with the people in your life, immerse yourself  in your favorite hobby, get outside, go hiking, go camping, read a book [not work related], or do a home project you’ve been wanting to do. You  know what gives you rest and fills you up emotionally and a spiritually. Whatever it is, engage it. Chances are you’ll come back better ready to do the work that the Maker of Work  has given you to do.

 

The Most Important Skill to Teach Your Children

Faith, Life, Mental Health, The Joy (and humor) of raising girls., Topics in Leadership
kevin-gent-219197-unsplash

There are many reasons I am proud of my daughters but one of the biggest reasons is how seriously they take friendship. They are tenacious friends. A few weeks ago, Mary, a dear friend of my two oldest daughters lost her mother to a rare and fatal illness. The time between diagnosis and death was short, only a few weeks. This death came on the heels of Mary’s husband Jay losing his father to a short brutal battle with cancer. Two deaths in a matter of three months. These two deaths were devastating to the family. But like so many things in life, that tragedy was an opportunity to observe love and kindness at its best. Melisa, my oldest daughter who is especially close to Mary, announced that she had completely cleared her schedule so she could stay with Mary for the entire time of her mom’s calling hours and funeral. She made it clear she was going to be there for Mary for whatever she needed. Abby, my second oldest daughter, lives four hours away and just started a new job. She advocated with her boss and was able to get a day off to be home to support her friend. As I watched Melisa and Abby support Mary during her darkest hour I found myself admiring them and their capacity to unselfishly care for someone else.

I believe that teaching your son or daughter to be a good friend is possibly the most essential strength you can give them. Within that strength are several skills that will help them in most other life circumstances they will find themselves in. Being a friend means having a set of attitudes and behaviors that enable you to develop authentic and trusting relationships with others. It means being able to set your own needs aside to help another. It means having the capacity to be vulnerable and share emotions. Friendship requires the selfless skill of listening. It includes the capacity to think about what someone else is going through and what they may require to get through it. It means being able to suspend your needs for comfort and be a comfort to someone else. It means keeping someone in confidence rather gossiping. It means having someone else’s back. All of these not only make you good at being a friend, but also a good employee, a good parent, and a good citizen.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was, “If you want a friend then be a friend.” Research studies into longevity and happiness repeatedly find that having good friends correlates to a happier and longer life *. In an era where adults and children are more and more lonely **, more and more anxious, more and more connected to an imaginary world known as social media, and less likely to say they have a close companion, it is absolutely essential that parents teach their children how to be a good friend. This of course means that you parent, know how to be a good friend as well. You must model friendship skills to your children. Use the many opportunities in daily life to model friendship and include your children. Take a meal to an elderly person. Go see people you know who are in the hospital. Send notes of encouragement to people who are going through a rough time and have your children draw pictures to include in the envelope. As a family start a list of people you are going to pray for and pray for them with your kids. Invite people you know over for dinner and a game night. Use these activities to help your children hone the skill set they need to be aware of others needs and to be in healthy and appropriate friendships. If you do this you will not only give your children skills that will serve them well as adults, but you will you also most likely make the world a better place.

* https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

** https://www.multivu.com/players/English/8294451-cigna-us-loneliness-survey/docs/IndexReport_1524069371598-173525450.pdf

For Leaders Battling Negative Thoughts: “If You Know How To Worry, You Know How To Meditate.”

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work
Photo by Dingzeyu Li on Unsplash

The pastor of the church I attend the shared the quote in the title one time and it has always stuck with me. I know after thirteen years of being the director of a not-for-profit mental health center, in leadership, there are plenty of things to keep your eye on.  Being aware of what is wrong or what could go wrong is part of the job. Thinking about those things can easily become an exercise in ruminating about the worst possible outcome.

I am not, by nature, a worrier, but there are times when a worry gets lodged in my mind and I can’t get rid of it. It just grows and grows, eventually stifling and suffocating my thoughts with its pervasiveness and robbing me of joy. I had that experience this weekend. It started on Friday.

  1. My Friday had been made up of  back to back intense meetings. 
  2. I had a conversation around noon that led me to begin to perseverate on doom and gloom. My mind was just starting the process of ruminating on bad things happening.
  3. Around 3:15 pm, after a non-stop schedule, my brain needed a quick break.  About that time I read a message from a local faith based group. It was part of a verse from the prophet Isaiah, “I  have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and rescue you.” 
  4. My spirit immediately connected to the reassuring words. It was the kind of expedience in which you sense the Maker-of-all-things heard your struggle and sent a gentle reminder to encourage you. 
  5. Over the next 44 hours the message of doom and gloom peddled hard for supremacy in my head. I recognized it and tried hard to replace it with the words from Isaiah I had been comforted with on Friday,  “I  have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and rescue you.”
  6. I continued to work at replacing the fatalistic thoughts with the encouraging phrase I had been given. When your mind is in this struggle you have to be persistent about reframing the negativity. It takes focus. On Sunday around noon a new perspective broke through. It cleared the path for problem solving and relaxation.
  7. I have not gone back to the doom and gloom thoughts. They have tried to come back but I focus on the truth of that phrase from Friday.

Sometimes I get asked to speak to a group about how to cope with stress. I tell them that for me it is not easy. My job is so stressful I have to take three kinds of medication in order to manage. When I say that, people get a worried look on their face. They relax though when I tell the medications are exercise, journaling, and prayer-meditation. It’s the third one that helped me get through this last bout of worry and fear. 

If you are a worrier remember, if you know how to worry you know how to meditate. You can find truthful words to meditate on by reading classic literature, Scripture, or poetry.  It is about putting good things into your head and focusing on them when worry wants to take over. Also remember, the Maker-of-all-things is here to help you and remind you that you are not in this alone. 

Leadership, walking in the unknown.

Faith, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work
Photo by Joe Beck on Unsplash

Thursday and Friday of last week I attended the annual conference of the trade association our agency affiliates with. The theme was essentially how to adapt to monumental changes facing the Ohio community mental health system. The speakers were sharing insights into how organizations such as the one I work for could best navigate the unknown waters we, as an industry,  are entering. I knew many people there. We shared conversations about how the companies they worked for were adapting to change. There was a sense of fear in some, a sense of opportunity in others. Everyone seemed to accept that business as usual is over.

I must admit I am nervous about how the changes are going to affect the organization I work for. Can we adapt? More unsettling to me is the question, “can I lead us through this?” It is easy to follow my fears down the dark hole they lead to. But fear is not the path of life, or light or creation. Fear suffocates creativity. Fear sees only the walled off end of a dark ally. 

The changes that are at our doorstep mean that the old ways of doing things won’t work. So we turn our gaze to where the light is; to where the creativity of our team, the guidance of our partners, and the voice of our community leads us. We examine everything, beginning with our assumptions about “how we do things around here.” We draw on the amazing capacity and ingenuity of our coworkers to solve problems. We keep everyone informed and seek input from all members of our team. We build bridges, strengthen relationships, and partner with others to offer solutions to their needs. 

I am blessed to work with amazing people. By the grace of God I will lead them. We will face the changes that are upon us with our minds alert, our gaze forward, our hands solving problems, and our work making a difference for our community. 

Every Day You Are a new Person.

Faith, Life, Mental Health, Work

Every morning you wake up you are a new person. You’ve just finished a lifetime of conversations, interactions, observations, and experiences.

  • Let all of those things instruct you.
  • Learn from them. 
  • You can take a different course today.
  • You can react to adversity in a new and more informed way.
  • You can be more gracious in responding to others.
  • You can recognize fears inside of you and set them aside so your decisions are not based on fear.
  • You can see setbacks as giving you direction toward your divine path rather than seeing them as examples of your failure.

Remember, if you are alive, your story is still being written. Today starts a new page. You get to write on it. Find your voice. Take steps toward healing and wholeness.  Look for ways to use your strengths.  The Creator of Life is ready to walk with you. 

    The Glue of Life…and Work.

    Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work

    Trust

    Stephen Covey writes “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” (First Things First, 1994, p. 203)

    I don’t see any way around it. When you are leading an organization, you have to trust people. No matter how talented you are, you do not have the specific knowledge required to do all of the tasks that make your business go round. You must trust others to get things done. I am being reminded of this daily, especially lately. The agency I work for launched two new major systems in the last few months. One is an electronic payroll system and the other is an electronic medical record. Though I was part of the selection and initial implementation, the day to day operation, programming, and ongoing development of the systems is being done by a small team of amazing staff. They have a knack and an aptitude for it.  I am also completely relying on them. Our agency is blessed because they are trustworthy, ethical, dedicated and diligent.

    What I find interesting is the trust required on my part. I ask questions every day, lots of questions. But in the end, I have to trust them to do the work. I trust them to figure things out and get things done. I trust their integrity, their work ethic, and creativity. They in turn, are empowered by  my trust in them. My trust acknowledges their capability and expertise. 

    According to Erik Erickson trust is the first and most basic stage of development (Identity and the Life Cycle, 1959, p. 57).  Erickson writes that without the ability to trust a person cannot develop healthy personality. After 20 years in organizational leadership I would say the same is true of business. A business cannot be healthy unless there is trust at all levels of leadership and staff. Without the giving and receiving of trust an organization is just a collection of people all competing as individuals to accomplish their own agenda. With trust that collection of individuals can become a team moving in the same direction to accomplish a shared mission for the good of each other and the community.

    Covey has it right. Trust is essential for holding relationships together and allowing people to move in the same direction.  It is the glue that facilitates shared agendas and shared goals. As an agency director I strive to trust and be trust worthy. It may be my most important job. 

    In Leadership, There Are Good Days and There Are Bad Days.

    Faith, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work

     

    Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

    The realty of leading an organization is that there will always be good times and there will always be bad times. The love for the work, the love for the mission , and a sense of the stress being temporary sustains a leader during the rough times.

    This week I was having a conversation with a  friend of mine who also leads a nonprofit organization.  He was at his wits end and  in the midst of some really difficult issues with his staff. He described feeling stabbed-in-the-back,  ineffective, and be unable to lead his team. Several times in the conversation he talked about it being time for him to leave his job and move on.

    I wanted to support my friend but I also wanted to be genuine with him. So I listened.  I told him about some of my dark times and times I wanted to quit. I also reminded him that the dark times pass. I shared my thoughts on how to manage this rough patch. I reminded him that organizations are dynamic and leadership is an ever evolving event. An organization is new everyday. Every day a leader can make decisions and take actions that reshapes things and solves problems to move the organization  toward accomplishing its mission.  And yet, there will still be challenging times.

    After we had discussed the ups and downs of leading an agency, I reminded  my friend  he had all the skill he needed to get through this difficult period and continue to move the organization forward. I also told him that only he could decide if his love for the work and the mission  was enough to put up with the  nerve-wracking  times.

    At the end of our talk I could tell by his voice that a sense of hope was rising. I’m glad.

    Stay off this dark road.

    Faith, Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Uncategorized

    It happened this past week. I went down the dark road…I started to compare myself to someone else. The self-talk was something like, “Look how much more focused and further along in their career they are. Look how much more they have. Look how much better they have done. I should have done this. I should have done that.” The internal dialogue culminated in me feeling small and inadequate. I knew this exercise in self deprecation was wrong. I didn’t want to do it. It just sort of started to happen and somewhere deep inside it got rolling.

    I went to The Creator and asked for help. First for forgiveness for the offense, then for restoration. The familiar voice, the one that runs deeper than the negativity, spoke back. It reminded me that I, like all of us, have a unique set of tools, handed down by my maker. I have a unique life to live. I have a mission…a job that is bigger than  me. This mission is for me to pour my heart, my mind, and soul into.  One  of my favorite quotes came to mind as I was getting back on track. It reminded me to focus on what I have rather than on perceptions of what I don’t have:  If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible. Don’t hoard it. Don’t dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke (Brendan Francis). 

    Whether you lead a business, a church, a nonprofit, or anything else, you must fight the the temptation to compare yourself to others.  It only  leads to dark places like frustration, anger, resentment or jealousy.   Focus on the talents, tools, and work the Creator has given you. You and everyone else will be better off for it.

    Leading when you you feel lousy.

    Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work

     

    How do you handle a demanding day when your attention, your focus, your understanding, and your leadership are needed by your team and you are not feeling well? On Thursday I had that day.  I was tired and emotionally depleted having spent most of the previous day on the road traveling to and from a family funeral. I was leaving that Thursday afternoon​ for a long trip to my daughter’s graduation. That same day also happened to be the third in a row of labor intensive construction of a new electronic medical record at our agency. In addition, I had four different department meetings scheduled  to work through issues that required my best concentration and problem solving.  I was stressed and had a headache that felt like a vice grip from my shoulders up.

    Days like this require an extra effort at self-control and self-awareness. I made this list of things I try to do on days I feel lousy while at the same time my focus and leadership are necessary.

    1. Decision making is one of the primary tasks of a leader. On a day you are feeling lousy give yourself more time to think through decisions. Tell your team you are considering options and need some time to think about it.
    2. When you feel lousy it may seem like everything is closing in on you. Find five minutes to go to your office, close the door, and do deep breathing exercises.
    3. When you are tired and stressed even little things can seem huge. Set up a mental rule to not respond to people who are making you feel irritated. Take deep breaths. Jot down a note about the thing that is irritating you and deal with it when you feel better.
    4. When you are stressed you may feel pressured to do something that in reality can wait. Go to a trusted coworker, tell them how you feel.  Ask them point blank if your thinking on a subject is clear and if a decision can wait.
    5. Drink a lot of water.
    6. Focus on simple tasks that take less mental energy.
    7. Go outside and walk around the building.
    8. When you are stressed it is easy to perseverate on the negative and make mountains out of mole hills. Have a positive, affirming verse, poem, or phrase to repeat in your mind when you became negative or feel overwhelmed.
    9. Think about what is going well so your view of problems gain some perspective.
    10. In order to use what energy you have where it is most important, reschedule any meetings that you can.
    11. Take care of yourself today so you can be at your best later.

    Lessons from saying “thank you” to two long time employees.

    Life, Mental Health, Topics in Leadership, Work

    This week at work we spent time focusing on our staff. On Monday we had a staff recognition luncheon. We recognized staff for working at our agency for five, ten, fifteen, twenty and twenty-five years.  The big emphasis of the week; however, was on honoring the two staff members who have worked with the organization since it opened twenty-six years ago. Not only have they worked for the same organization since it opened but they have essentially been in the same jobs doing excellent work. They were each given their own special day.  They received awards, gift cards, flowers, and balloons to let them know how much their career long work is appreciated. We all wore buttons proclaiming the special day for each of the two and they got parking spots designated only for them. What made the week so uplifting was to see how much everyone enjoyed recognizing their co-workers. The two honored were all smiles and were genuinely appreciative. Here are some of the takeaways I had from being part of this:

    • It was fun to see the creativity, energy, and passion of the planning team.  They were committed to  making sure that our staff felt appreciated and honored for the commitment they make to be part of our agency. Being part of planning the celebration  meant a lot to the team.
    • The smiles and air of joy the two long term employees had on “their” day was awesome. It was planned as a surprise so when they saw the parking spots, the buttons, and the gifts  it was clear they were overwhelmed. Their smiles made everyone smile.
    • Staff recognized for their various lengths of stay felt acknowledged for reaching a milestone. It is important  to celebrate milestones.
    • The joy caused by showing someone how appreciated they are has a ripple effect.
    • It reinforced to me the fact that it takes a lot more than salary and benefits to make a good work climate. Most of us want to know our work has meaning and that we are making a difference. When the organization can give its members that feedback it improves the climate.
    • Celebrating achievements, both small and large, is essential for the morale of an organization.
    • Getting staff involved in planning shows them respect and turns out a better product. Diverse feedback and problem solving reduces the risk of negative unintended consequences or forgetting something important.
    • I often think about how blessed I am to have the great management team and staff around me that I do. I need to make sure that I tell people that when I think it.