We fear what may happen, We fear what could happen, We fear what might happen, but none of those things are now, Remain in the Present
We imagine the worst, Our minds and bodies live as if what we dread is occurring, We are bond-servants to our trepidations, but none of these things are now, Remain in the Present
Many sow a terrible story, Many breath a foreboding atmosphere, Many drink the potion of unease, but your experience is only in this moment, Remain in the present.
Can you breath Can you tune out the noise Can you rest in the Divine’s company Can you lend your presence and peace to another Find what is Present.
I thought I would tell this simple story from my work at a psychiatric hospital in the mid-1990s and what it taught me about mental health.
Part of my job at the psychiatric hospital was to work in an intensive outpatient program for older adults. The people we worked with were sixty-five years old or older. They came into the program with a variety of issues. Some were depressed, some were wrought with anxiety, some were experiencing hallucinations and/or delusions, some were so discouraged they had become suicidal. Though their symptoms varied, the stories of why they were feeling the way they were was similar. Their aging years had brought about a series of losses. Often friends or family had passed away. The patient’s health was declining. They were no longer working. They may have had to move from their home into a more manageable living environment. They were no longer able to drive themselves. They had lost many of the things in life that had always given them a sense of meaning and joy. The losses had created a crisis of identity.
What became fascinating to me is that though the individuals in the program all had arrived at the psychiatric hospital with a similar series of losses some of them recovered from their psychiatric symptoms and moved on and others continued to struggle. Over time I began to notice a pattern in the patients who recovered. Those who recovered had three factors in their lives that seemed to give them the ability to bounce back. I want to point out that none of the three factors had anything to do with medication. Actually all of the patients were prescribed similar medications. Antidepressants, antipsychotics, and/or antianxiety medications were common for all the people in the partial hospitalization program. Psychiatry did not seem to be the cure.
The first factor was that those patients who bounced back had supportive and emotionally intimate relationships with very close friends or family. Often it was a long time coworker, a neighbor, or their adult children or grandchildren. These relationships mattered for several reasons. These close friendships meant that someone was there everyday or at least called everyday to make sure the patient was doing okay. This allowed the person recovering to believe they mattered. These relationships also allowed the patient to be authentic and real with another human who cared for them. They could be honest about their feelings without being judged. Mostly these relationships were powerful because when the patient got into a tough time, there was someone they could turn to for help. They did not feel alone.
The second factor was that those patients who recovered had a hobby, an interest or a part time job that gave them a sense of meaning. One guy made stools people could sit on while they gardened. One lady spent several weeks making special holiday candy and cookies. Another gentleman did a tremendous amount of volunteer work for his church. One guy made wooden toys. Another lady was a leader in a weight loss club. It really didn’t matter what it was. The important thing was that it gave a sense of meaning, purpose, and joy to the person.
The final factor that I identified in the patients who recovered was that they had an active, personal, and strong spiritual faith. Some were Catholic, some were Protestant, some were Pentecostal, and some were much more eclectic. What did a strong personal faith do for the patients who were resilient? How did it contribute to their recovery? I observed this. It gave them a place to go with their questions that did not have answers. Questions such as why did my husband die before me? Why am I experiencing the difficulties that I am? Why am I sick? Through their their faith they were able to live with the things in life that did not make sense.
When I think about my own mental health I often reflect back on those simple lessons I learned from the many patients I saw at the psychiatric hospital. The importance of emotionally intimate relationships with family and friends. The importance of having meaningful work and leisure activities. And finally the ability to rest in a Creator who loves me and cares about the details of my life. It is these simple and unsophisticated things that provided stability and hope. These are the buoys that held up the people in the psychiatric hospital when their lives seemed to be caving in. These are anchors we can all develop. We can kindle old friendships and make new ones (“if you want a friend be a friend”). We can pursue our hobbies and interests. We can find ways to enrich others. We can pray and pursue the Creator. Not only can we do this for ourselves but we can reach out and bring others along with us.
Recently on a Saturday I wrote this in my journal, “Today I started out with a long workout at the YMCA, moved on to reading several chapters in J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban, and concluded by making and baking three pecan pies. I feel relaxed and reenergized.”
Now, what does this have to do with being a leader? Well, this…being in a leadership role, as wonderful as that may may sound, is often mentally, emotionally, and physically depleting. If you are a manager, administrator or in any way a leader of an organization you need to make sure you are taking rest very seriously.
Why am I writing this now? For the past three weeks I had been grinding out my job with little reprieve. The weeks included several late night meetings, various big projects with imposing back to back deadlines, orienting new staff, strategic planning sessions, all on top of the normal day to day work that is typical in my role. By the end of completing the last large project I felt like I had been running on fumes and the fumes were gone. My mind and body had collapsed before arriving at the gas tank and I was crawling. One of my personal warning signs that I am stretched out way too thin is acid reflux. It was raging. I am usually able to manage it through a combination of keeping my carbohydrate intake really low, frequent aerobic exercise, and getting eight hours of sleep. During these past three weeks I had developed a bout of reflux that was unrelenting despite my diligent use of diet, exercise and sleep. I could sense deep inside what I needed was a total break from my work and responsibilities. I needed a Sabbath rest.
Providentially, Jane and I had planned a long weekend out to visit our daughter and son-in-law in Indiana. We were going to stay at our favorite bed-and-breakfast, enjoy time with family, and just chill. I wouldn’t have time to think about work, or teaching, or planning, or administrating. I intended to visit, read, and hike, all of which equal rest for me. What surprised me is that after day one my reflux was back under control. It was like magic. Just a couple days before, despite my typical stress management routine, the reflux would not go away, But just like that, one day with total mental, physical, and emotional space away from work, and it was better.
Day to day stress management is essential but what this experience reinforced is that periodically we also need a lengthier, more intentional rest. The concept that keeps coming to my mind is Sabbath rest. This is an idea out of the Jewish tradition. Yahweh [in Jewish tradition this is the personal name for the true God] directs people to take a weekly rest from work. Yahweh also directs that there are routine lengthier times of rest from labor. Not only for people but also for livestock and even the land they farm.
Rest is a built-in hard wired necessity. Resting our mind, our bodies, and our spirit from the work we do is essential to the human soul. If we do not rest, both weekly routine rest and periodic lengthier times of rest (possibly our concept of a vacation) then we burn out, become irritable, less productive, and are less able to accomplish our personal mission. In our society, where technology makes work accessible 24/7 this kind of rest must be intentional.
So my friends, those of you who are in any type of leadership role, find your rest. Plan a Sabbath rest. Disconnect completely from your work. Connect or reconnect with the people in your life, immerse yourself in your favorite hobby, get outside, go hiking, go camping, read a book [not work related], or do a home project you’ve been wanting to do. You know what gives you rest and fills you up emotionally and a spiritually. Whatever it is, engage it. Chances are you’ll come back better ready to do the work that the Maker of Work has given you to do.
There are many reasons I am proud of my daughters but one of the biggest reasons is how seriously they take friendship. They are tenacious friends. A few weeks ago, Mary, a dear friend of my two oldest daughters lost her mother to a rare and fatal illness. The time between diagnosis and death was short, only a few weeks. This death came on the heels of Mary’s husband Jay losing his father to a short brutal battle with cancer. Two deaths in a matter of three months. These two deaths were devastating to the family. But like so many things in life, that tragedy was an opportunity to observe love and kindness at its best. Melisa, my oldest daughter who is especially close to Mary, announced that she had completely cleared her schedule so she could stay with Mary for the entire time of her mom’s calling hours and funeral. She made it clear she was going to be there for Mary for whatever she needed. Abby, my second oldest daughter, lives four hours away and just started a new job. She advocated with her boss and was able to get a day off to be home to support her friend. As I watched Melisa and Abby support Mary during her darkest hour I found myself admiring them and their capacity to unselfishly care for someone else.
I believe that teaching your son or daughter to be a good friend is possibly the most essential strength you can give them. Within that strength are several skills that will help them in most other life circumstances they will find themselves in. Being a friend means having a set of attitudes and behaviors that enable you to develop authentic and trusting relationships with others. It means being able to set your own needs aside to help another. It means having the capacity to be vulnerable and share emotions. Friendship requires the selfless skill of listening. It includes the capacity to think about what someone else is going through and what they may require to get through it. It means being able to suspend your needs for comfort and be a comfort to someone else. It means keeping someone in confidence rather gossiping. It means having someone else’s back. All of these not only make you good at being a friend, but also a good employee, a good parent, and a good citizen.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was, “If you want a friend then be a friend.” Research studies into longevity and happiness repeatedly find that having good friends correlates to a happier and longer life *. In an era where adults and children are more and more lonely **, more and more anxious, more and more connected to an imaginary world known as social media, and less likely to say they have a close companion, it is absolutely essential that parents teach their children how to be a good friend. This of course means that you parent, know how to be a good friend as well. You must model friendship skills to your children. Use the many opportunities in daily life to model friendship and include your children. Take a meal to an elderly person. Go see people you know who are in the hospital. Send notes of encouragement to people who are going through a rough time and have your children draw pictures to include in the envelope. As a family start a list of people you are going to pray for and pray for them with your kids. Invite people you know over for dinner and a game night. Use these activities to help your children hone the skill set they need to be aware of others needs and to be in healthy and appropriate friendships. If you do this you will not only give your children skills that will serve them well as adults, but you will you also most likely make the world a better place.
According to the Google dictionary resilience is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” I am seeing more and more how resilient my daughter Krista is. God has given her a unique strength to recover from difficulties, reframe setbacks, and keep moving on; not allowing herself to become fatalistic. When she experiences a knock-back, Krista regroups and presses on. I’ve seen this characteristic in Krista for several years, but recently I saw an example that made me really proud of her.
Krista is our youngest. She was diagnosed at a young age with an abnormal EEG and ADD [ADHD inattentive type ]. The abnormal EEG diagnosis came because her brain registered seizure activity nonstop during the entire time she slept at night. Academically she was affected by the ADD and also by a learning disability that makes reading comprehension very difficult for her. In junior high and high school we spent many nights pushing through homework, often with tears, as Krista tried to understand what she was reading or trying to comprehend multiple step math problems.
Outweighing the learning issues, Krista has the characteristics of being a kind, compassionate, and determined hard worker. Throughout high school she maintained good grades all while running cross country and playing flute in the marching and concert band. After high school she went to a gap-year program and is now in college majoring in social work.
Krista likes to stay busy. For example, she is on the college cross country team, part of a couple recreational clubs, holds a part time job, and keeps up with her school work. In November Krista came home for Thanksgiving break. One quiet evening during the holiday weekend Krista let us know she had gotten “let go” from her job at the campus library because, she “was not analytical enough.” I could tell Krista was really hurt by this. She expressed anger at the library administration for not giving her more time to improve. Krista also expressed frustration over her own struggle with the learning disability that has caused her so many challenges over the years. She said that the supervisor who had delivered the bad news told her that Krista had a great work ethic and was always willing to do the jobs other workers didn’t want to do. The library gave Krista the option to work out the semester, meaning she would work the last three weeks before Christmas break, knowing that they didn’t really think she could do the job. Krista, showing her ability to wade into hard things, chose to stay on and finish out the semester.
Over Christmas break Krista had a few more days of expressing her frustration and hurt over being let go. She could have allowed herself to become embittered at the library administration and settled into a valley of self deprecation over how her cognitive processing issues led to the situation at the library. But…she didn’t. Shortly after New Year’s Day, Krista and I were in the living room talking. I asked her how she was doing with the “whole job thing?” She looked up and said, “Oh, I already have another job. I’m working in housekeeping.” She went on to say, “I’m really excited about it because the supervisor is really cool, and plus I love to clean.” She had apparently applied online over Christmas break and got hired. I didn’t really know what to say. She had accomplished a 180 degree maneuver in a matter of a few days. Though she still feels some anger about the way she was let go and is still a little embarrassed, she has not gotten hung up there. She is not letting herself be defined by a bump in the road. In fact, going further she is able to see how all of this may be a gift. She’ll have better hours and a less stressful work environment for the same pay.
Krista has a heart of compassion for children who have experienced difficulties. Ever since entering the school of social work she has had her eye on working with a child protective agency. Over Christmas break, because she is very efficient, Krista completed a 30 hour practicum at our local child protective services agency. She observed case worker assessments of parents who have had their children removed, observed parent-child supervised visitations, and observed juvenile court hearings. Krista has an ability to see people in all kinds of situations through a lens of mercy. I can’t help but believe that her God-given gift of resilience is not only going to continue to benefit Krista, but may well be a gift she can lend to others as she helps them on their journey.
Every Christmas, for the past several years we
have spent the first part of the morning at a community breakfast for people
who don’t have anywhere else to go. Our daughters, now in their twenties, look
forward to it as much as any other part of Christmas day. The large room is
filled with smiles, great conversation and a grand dose of Christmas spirit.
Those present have become an annual group of regulars; people from all walks of
life, all with an interesting story to tell. The guests not only enjoy the
hearty breakfast but also look forward to receiving a generous gift bag. The
gifts range from hats, gloves, and scarves to candy and fruit. The past few years the host church has given
away hams and turkeys, which for the folks in attendance, is a special treat.
Being an extreme extrovert my favorite part of
the morning is conversing with the guests so that I hear their story and know
them more personally. Yesterday when we arrived I was immediately drawn to
strike up a conversation with a lady dressed in a bright red sweater who was
also wearing a pair of large sunglasses because she was visually impaired. She
was there with her husband and grandson. Her name was Fran* and she was a great
conversationalist. Not only did Fran share her story, but she was genuinely
interested in hearing mine. I don’t know her age but I am guessing Fran and her
husband are in their early 60s. I found out Fran has family in upstate New York
and had lived near my sister-in-law. Their story included 17 years of
employment at a factory in Ashland that ended when her husband had an injury on
the job. Before he could return to work the company went out of business. She
and her husband became homeless after the job loss. She shared they had been
homeless two times during their life together and had many other struggles
including a very long bout with severe depression, failing eyesight, and other
health issues. They now live on a very limited income but are comfortable in a
small apartment.
I came away from my visit with Fran very enriched. I was enamored by four things about her: her joy, her story, her spiritual perspective, and her prophetic voice. Fran was joyful. She smiled often, laughed easily, and gave out encouragement like a generous millionaire. She was so happy I was familiar with the part of New York she had lived that she chatted with her husband about the connection we were making. Her joy was woven into her story. Here is a person who had been homeless, suffered from debilitating depression for years, had lost most of her eyesight, and yet in the same breath declared enthusiastically “but God is so good.” Her husband joined in at this point and recounted how at every turn, when they were experiencing the lowest points of their lives, God provided for them. They discussed how a friend had given them a place to live, a church helped them with an apartment, Fran found a job right after her husband lost his, and how God had healed her from depression. At this she got very quiet and seemed to mouth a prayer of thanks. She didn’t go into detail but she indicated that the depression had been long and very dark. She then looked up and told me that in that dark depression God had revealed himself through a song. Right there, on the spot, quietly so only I and her husband could hear her, she sang it. Fran had experienced a very personal encounter with the Maker of All Things. Her confidence and her joy were not fake. They were supernatural.
As it was getting to be time for Fran and her
husband to go I stepped away from their table. They both shook my hand and told
me how they enjoyed talking with me. I told them I had been blessed by our
conversation. But I had one more blessing to go. As we three were standing
there ready to part ways Fran unexpectedly grabbed me by the shoulders. She
bowed her head and began to pray. She prayed a prayer of blessing over me. She
spoke her prayer with a voice of authority. It came out of a heart experienced
in spiritual matters. Her prayer was personal and powerful. I felt the blessing
she transferred to me. Thank you Fran for freely giving what you have received.
The pastor of the church I attend the shared the quote in the title one time and it has always stuck with me. I know after thirteen years of being the director of a not-for-profit mental health center, in leadership, there are plenty of things to keep your eye on. Being aware of what is wrong or what could go wrong is part of the job. Thinking about those things can easily become an exercise in ruminating about the worst possible outcome.
I am not, by nature, a worrier, but there are times when a worry gets lodged in my mind and I can’t get rid of it. It just grows and grows, eventually stifling and suffocating my thoughts with its pervasiveness and robbing me of joy. I had that experience this weekend. It started on Friday.
My Friday had been made up of back to back intense meetings.
I had a conversation around noon that led me to begin to perseverate on doom and gloom. My mind was just starting the process of ruminating on bad things happening.
Around 3:15 pm, after a non-stop schedule, my brain needed a quick break. About that time I read a message from a local faith based group. It was part of a verse from the prophet Isaiah, “I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and rescue you.”
My spirit immediately connected to the reassuring words. It was the kind of expedience in which you sense the Maker-of-all-things heard your struggle and sent a gentle reminder to encourage you.
Over the next 44 hours the message of doom and gloom peddled hard for supremacy in my head. I recognized it and tried hard to replace it with the words from Isaiah I had been comforted with on Friday, “I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and rescue you.”
I continued to work at replacing the fatalistic thoughts with the encouraging phrase I had been given. When your mind is in this struggle you have to be persistent about reframing the negativity. It takes focus. On Sunday around noon a new perspective broke through. It cleared the path for problem solving and relaxation.
I have not gone back to the doom and gloom thoughts. They have tried to come back but I focus on the truth of that phrase from Friday.
Sometimes I get asked to speak to a group about how to cope with stress. I tell them that for me it is not easy. My job is so stressful I have to take three kinds of medication in order to manage. When I say that, people get a worried look on their face. They relax though when I tell the medications are exercise, journaling, and prayer-meditation. It’s the third one that helped me get through this last bout of worry and fear.
If you are a worrier remember, if you know how to worry you know how to meditate. You can find truthful words to meditate on by reading classic literature, Scripture, or poetry. It is about putting good things into your head and focusing on them when worry wants to take over. Also remember, the Maker-of-all-things is here to help you and remind you that you are not in this alone.
Thursday and Friday of last week I attended the annual conference of the trade association our agency affiliates with. The theme was essentially how to adapt to monumental changes facing the Ohio community mental health system. The speakers were sharing insights into how organizations such as the one I work for could best navigate the unknown waters we, as an industry, are entering. I knew many people there. We shared conversations about how the companies they worked for were adapting to change. There was a sense of fear in some, a sense of opportunity in others. Everyone seemed to accept that business as usual is over.
I must admit I am nervous about how the changes are going to affect the organization I work for. Can we adapt? More unsettling to me is the question, “can I lead us through this?” It is easy to follow my fears down the dark hole they lead to. But fear is not the path of life, or light or creation. Fear suffocates creativity. Fear sees only the walled off end of a dark ally.
The changes that are at our doorstep mean that the old ways of doing things won’t work. So we turn our gaze to where the light is; to where the creativity of our team, the guidance of our partners, and the voice of our community leads us. We examine everything, beginning with our assumptions about “how we do things around here.” We draw on the amazing capacity and ingenuity of our coworkers to solve problems. We keep everyone informed and seek input from all members of our team. We build bridges, strengthen relationships, and partner with others to offer solutions to their needs.
I am blessed to work with amazing people. By the grace of God I will lead them. We will face the changes that are upon us with our minds alert, our gaze forward, our hands solving problems, and our work making a difference for our community.
Every morning you wake up you are a new person. You’ve just finished a lifetime of conversations, interactions, observations, and experiences.
Let all of those things instruct you.
Learn from them.
You can take a different course today.
You can react to adversity in a new and more informed way.
You can be more gracious in responding to others.
You can recognize fears inside of you and set them aside so your decisions are not based on fear.
You can see setbacks as giving you direction toward your divine path rather than seeing them as examples of your failure.
Remember, if you are alive, your story is still being written. Today starts a new page. You get to write on it. Find your voice. Take steps toward healing and wholeness. Look for ways to use your strengths. The Creator of Life is ready to walk with you.
