It’s Not Your Job To Fix Broken Men

“It’s not your job to fix broken men.” I wrote down this quote after watching  Private Violence (http://www.privateviolence.com), an HBO Documentary about the disturbing reality of  partner violence against women. I want my three daughters to know it’s not their job to fix broken men. I want my daughter’s friends to know this. I want the young girls, the moms, and the grandmas who come to the mental health center and domestic violence shelter I work for to know this.

As much as I want the women and girls I know to run away from “broken men”, it is not right or  fair to place the responsibility to avoid  one sided, exploitive,and  abusive  relationships on the ladies. It belongs squarely on the men.

Though there are many emotionally healthy and mature men in our culture, I am concerned with the number of guys, young and old, who are emotionally underdeveloped. In relationships this turns into behavior that is self centered in its mildest form  and violently abusive at its extreme.  Over the years in my work in the mental health and abuse recovery field,  I have accumulated a list of behaviors that I regularly see in men who are emotionally immature and who are  exploitive/abusive partners. I propose this list as a survey to guys. In this list  I am outlining  the behaviors I see that are strong indicators that a man is not ready for an emotionally or physically intimate relationship but rather should focus his attention on “growing up” emotionally. The growing up process may take the form of seeing a professional counselor, a spiritual mentor or an accountability group. Here is the list:

1. If you find yourself believing that your wife or girlfriend is your possession and that you in have every right to control and/or punish her then you are an abusive man. You need to immediately step away and work with specialist to undo this dangerous character trait.  Healthy relationships are built upon a  foundation of freedom, trust, and supporting the intellectual, spiritual, academic, economic, and creative growth of your partner.
2. If you have ever said to you wife or girlfriend, “if you break up with me I will kill myself,” then you are a manipulative man who is exploiting the kindness and sense of responsibility your partner has. You need to begin to work with a professional to develop a more stable and mature sense of self. Healthy men focus on what they can give to their partner not what they can take. Love flourishes in freedom and is diminished in an environment characterized by threats.
3. If you choose to have a sexual relationship with your female partner but you expect her to be fully responsible for birth control then you are selfish and too immature for a relationship. You have a lot of inner work to do so that your emotional development becomes much less egocentric. Males  who have grown up to become mature men realize that a sexual relationship involves embracing the responsibility for birth control.
4. If you verbally degrade your girlfriend in front of others and/or degrade your wife in front of your children then you are abusive. You need reevaluate your behavior in the relationship and deal with your sense of inferiority so that you no longer need to humiliate and control others. Men who are fully emotionally developed want their partner to grow and succeed. They constantly seek to build their partner up.
5. If you text your girlfriend or wife throughout the day to make sure you know what she is doing or to intimidate her and control her then you are an abusive partner. You are too insecure for a relationship. Step away and seek professional help before entering back into the partnership. Emotionally mature men are not plagued by a concern of their partner being out of their control. They want their partner to flourish.
6. If you try to keep your wife or girlfriend away from her family or friends then you are an abusive partner. Step away from the relationship and find professional help. Emotionally mature  partners embrace the loved ones of their girlfriend or spouse and seek to integrate with them in positive, healthy  ways.
7. If you find yourself accusing  your girlfriend or wife of cheating with every guy who looks at her you are too insecure to be in a relationship. Emotionally mature men aren’t paranoid. If jealousy is a dominant emotion for you then  you need to seek help. Do not blame your girlfriend or spouse. They do not make you jealous. You need professional help.
8. If you attempt to control where your wife or girlfriend works because you are concerned that economically, educationally or positionally they will have more power than you then you are too insecure to be in an emotionally intimate relationship. Step back and seek help. Mature partners seek to have their spouse or significant other become their best self.
9. If you expect your wife or girlfriend to work, keep up the house (clean, pay bills, prepare meals …), and be the primary childcare provider while you do not do any of the above then you are selfish and immature. Emotionally mature men work hard to do their part for  the family financially, as a parent, and to maintain the household. It is an equal partnership. Don’t be a freeloading male.
10. If envy, jealousy, and anger are the emotions that describe what you feel toward your partner then please, seek professional help. Relationships characterized by these emotions do not end well.

These 10 descriptions are not a comprehensive list.  There are many other ways abusive and exploitative relationships manifest themselves. If you find yourself with partner who demonstrates these behaviors, please, seek out support. Find the resources you need to move out of the situation. If you are the one with these behaviors then be honest with yourself, step away, seek help, and do the work necessary to develop into a mature, healthy, and supportive partner.